Terminated Jokes

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    True Lawyer Statements

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    Amazing and true lawyer statements. Lawyers typically aren't funny — unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide...
    1) Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
    2) Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
    3)
    Q: What happened then?
    A: He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
    Q: Did he kill you?
    4) Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
    5) The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
    6) Were you alone or by yourself.
    7) How long have you been a French Canadian?
    8) Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
    9)
    Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
    A: That's me.
    Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
    10) Were you present in more...

    Here are some actual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses in the court room. Perhaps they ain't so bright after all.
    "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
    "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
    "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
    Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
    A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
    Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
    A: "It is possible that he could more...

    1. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person
    dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes
    quietly away and doesn't know anything about it
    until the next morning?
    2. Q: What heppened then?
    A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because
    you can identify me.'
    Q: Did he kill you?
    3. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
    4. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
    5. Were you alone or by yourself?
    6. How long have you been a French Canadian?
    7. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
    8. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize
    that picture.
    A: That's me.
    Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
    9. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
    10. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage
    terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
    11. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
    A: more...

    1. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year.
    2. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    3. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
    4. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Fourty-five years.
    5. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.
    6. Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 498. Q: And where is milepost 498? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
    7. Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well.
    8. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? more...

    30 things people actually said in court
    Question
    1. Q: What is your date of birth?
    A: July 15th Q: What year?
    A: Every year.
    Question
    2. Q: What gear were you in the moment of impact?
    A: Gucci sweets and Reeboks.
    Question
    3. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory
    A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten?
    Question
    4. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    A: 38 or 35, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you?
    A: 45 years
    Question
    5. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
    A: He said "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A My name is Susan.
    Question
    6. Q: And where was the location of the accident?
    A: Approximatly milepost
    499. Q: And where is milepost 499?
    A: Probably between milepost more...

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