Peanut Jokes / Recent Jokes

What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!

What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter? A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!

Craig Donaldson, 17, of Glasgow, Scotland had a little too much time on his hands. One saturday morning in October of 1999 while his parents had left the house to go car shopping, Craig was overcome by the sort of sexual desire only a deprived 17 year old boy could have.

He decided that his usual "self service" material consisting of a back issue of Playboy was not enough and he had become very frustrated. Just then he remembered a story that his friend Jed had told him about a woman in a pornographic movie who had applied peanut butter to her genitals and allowed a trained dog to "clean" it off of her.

Probably thinking to himself, "mom and dad won't be home for hours!", Craig headed upstairs to the kitchen only stopping to let Max, the family's 4 year old doberman pinscher inside the house. Craig searched for some peanut butter but couldn't find any, in fact there was no fruit jam or margarine either.

However, Craig did more...

This guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. As he sits drinking, he notices a peanut jump out of the dish before him. The peanut proceeds to talk, 'hey there buddy,' it hollers, 'you're looking mighty fine tonight!'
The guy can't believe what he is seeing. 'This sure is some strong beer!' He thinks to himself before getting up to go to the toilet. On his way back to the bar, the guy walks past a cigarette machine which appears to speak, 'hey asshole, go screw yourself!' it yells.
The guy can't believe it and decides to ask the bartender what's going on. 'Hey bartender, I swear to god that one of those peanuts over there just started a conversation with me and on the way back from the men's room, your cigarette machine just swore at me.'
'Let me explain,' replies the bartender 'the peanuts are complimentary and the cigarette machine is out of order.'

This guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. As he sits drinking, he notices a peanut jump out of the dish before him. The peanut proceeds to talk, 'hey there buddy,' it hollers, 'you're looking mighty fine tonight!'The guy can't believe what he is seeing. 'This sure is some strong beer!' He thinks to himself before getting up to go to the toilet. On his way back to the bar, the guy walks past a cigarette machine which appears to speak, 'hey asshole, go screw yourself!' it yells.The guy can't believe it and decides to ask the bartender what's going on. 'Hey bartender, I swear to god that one of those peanuts over there just started a conversation with me and on the way back from the men's room, your cigarette machine just swore at me.''Let me explain,' replies the bartender 'the peanuts are complimentary and the cigarette machine is out of order.'

Beth Vorhees of public TV fame said her daughter, Diana, a third-grader, was to give a demonstration speech at school. She planned to demonstrate how to make "Flies on a Log" which consists of peanut butter spread on a stalk of celery with raisins on it.The morning of her speech, Diana took out everything she needed and put it on the kitchen counter, ready to take it to school. Unfortunately, when the girl and her mother left for school, they forgot to take the items.Diana's mother dropped her off and went home to get the stuff.The celery was gone. The raisins were gone. The peanut butter had been put away."Oh," said Diana's father. "I had that stuff for breakfast."Diana's faithful mother rushed to gather up more ingredients and rush them to school with an apology to the teacher and an explanation of what happened."Gee," said Diana's teacher, "that's a first --' My dad ate my homework.'"

There were 3 men working on the harbour bridge, all of a sudden the lunch signal rang, so they started to have their lunch. The 3 people were, Chinese, Irish, and an Australian. The Chinese person looked inside his sandwich and said, "Oh CRAP! If I get peanut butter sandwich again from my wife, I am going to jump off the bridge! " the Irish person looked in his sandwich and said, "Oh CRAP! If I get peanut butter and jelly sandwich from my wife again, I will jump off the bridge! " The Australian said, "Oh CRAP! Not Mortadella again, if I get this sandwich again I am going to jump off the bridge! " so the next day the Chinese person looks in his sandwich and says, "Phew, I've got a cheese sandwich! " so he eats it. The Irish person looks in his sandwich and says, "Phew, I've got a vegemite sandwich! " so he eats it. The Australian looked in his sandwich, and he jumped off the bridge. The Irish person said, "I don't understand, he more...