Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.
1 cup butter
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup dried fruit
1 tsp baking powder
1 cup brown sugar
1 or 2 bottles scotch whiskey
Before you start, sample the scotch to check quality. Good isn't it? Now start baking.
Select a large misking bowl, measuring cup etc.
Check the scotch again, as it must be just right.
To be sure that the scotch is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.
With an electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
And one teaspoon of thugar and beat again.
Meanwhile, make sure the scotch is still OK.
Cry another cup.
Open second bottle if necessary.
Ant tow large leggs, 2 cups dried fruit and beat till high.
If druit gets stuck in beaters, just pry loose with drewscriver.
Next, sift three cups of salt or anything, it really doesn't matter.
Sample scotch again.
Sift half cup of lemon juice.
Fold in more...
An Italian, a Mexican, and a Redneck constuction worker all sat down one day to eat their lunch on top of a building they were working on.
The Italian opens his lunch and looks in and says, "Pastrami again! If I get pastrami one more day, I'm gonna jump off this building."
The Mexican opens his lunch and says, "Tamales again! If I get tamales one more day, I am gonna jump off this building."
The Redneck opens his lunch and says, "Peanut butter and jelly again! If I get peanut butter and jelly one more day, I am gonna jump off this building."
The next day at lunch, the Italian opens his lunch and finds pastrami, so he jumps off the building.
The Mexican opens his lunch and finds tamales, so he jumps off the building.
The Redneck opens his lunch and finds peanut butter and jelly, so he jumps off the building.
Later, at the funeral the Italian's wife cries out, "I didn't know he disliked pastrami so much!"
Fruit Cake Recipe
1 c water
1 c butter
4 lg. eggs
1 btl WHISKEY
8 oz mixed nuts
1 tsp. salt
juice of one lemon
1 c brown sugar
2 c dried fruit
1 tsp baking powder
Sample whiskey to check quality. Take a large bowl. Re-sample whiskey to ensure it is of the highest quality. Pour one cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one tsp. of sugar and beat again. Make sure whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn on the mixerer. Break two eggs and add to the bowl, chuck in the dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If fried druit gets stuck in beaterers, pry loos with a drewscriver. Sample whiskey to check for tonsiscency. Next sift two cups of salt...or something...who cares? Check whiskey again. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the more...
2 TBS. Butter
5 grams Heroin
Salt and Pepper to taste
Rinse Turkey well and place in roasting pan breast side down. Grease Turkey with butter. Place Heroin in Balloon and shove it into Turkey cavity. Salt and Pepper. Cover and place in oven at 350 for 7 hours or until the balloon busts. Let cool for 30 minutes. Carve and Enjoy!