Careful Jokes

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    ODE TO A MAMMOGRAM

    Hot 3 years ago

    ODE TO A MAMMOGRAM
    ---Author unknown

    For years' n years they told me,
    be careful of your breasts
    Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
    and give them monthly tests.

    So I heeded all their warnings
    and protected them by law
    Guarded them very carefully,
    and always wore a bra.

    After 30 years of careful care,
    the doctor found a lump
    He ordered up a mammogram
    to look inside that clump.

    Stand up very close, she said,
    as she got my tit in line
    And tell me when it hurts, she said,
    Ah, yes, there! That's just fine.

    She stepped upon a pedal...
    I could not believe my eyes
    A plastic plate was pressing down...
    My boob was in a vice!!!

    My skin was stretched' n stretched
    from way up by my chin
    And my poor tit was being squashed
    to swedish pancake thin!!!

    Excruciating pain I felt within
    it's vice-like grip
    A prisoner in this more...

    Part 4 - (Opearting Systems)
    ------------------------
    What kind of operating system is used by a Real Programmer? CP/M? God forbid - CP/M after all, is basically
    a toy operating system. Even little old ladies and grade school students can understand and use CP/M.
    Unix is a lot more complicated of course - the typical Unix hacker never can remember what the PRINT
    command is called this week - but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game. People don't
    do Serious Work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the world on UUCP-net and write adventure games
    and research papers.
    No, your Real Programmer uses OS/370. A good programmer can find and understand the description of
    IJK305I error (s)he just got in h(er)is JCL manual. A great programmer can write JCL without referring to
    the manual at all. A truly outstanding programmer can find bugs burried in a 6 megabyte core dump without
    using a hex calculator. (I have more...

    A priest and a lawyer go golfing. The lawyer goes first. He takes careful aim, swings, and misses. He says, "Damn it, I missed!" The priest says, "Do not say that or God will strike you down."
    On the next hole the lawyer takes careful aim, swings, and misses. He says, "Damn it, I missed!" The priest says, "If you say that one more time God will strike you down."
    On the third hole the lawyer takes careful aim, swings, and misses. He says, "Damn it, I missed!" Suddenly a huge lightning bolt comes down from the sky and hits the priest. And then a big voice from above says, "DAMN IT, I MISSED!"

    A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my Gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!!
    Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my Gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?! They're going to STICK! Careful... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! HURRY UP! Are you CRAZY? Have you lost your mind?
    Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!"
    The wife stared at him. "What the &^%$&^% is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
    The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving".

    A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen."Careful... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the damn car.

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