Opera Jokes / Recent Jokes
THIS IS AN IMPORTANT, IN FACT URGENT, IN FACT VITAL MESSAGE
FROM GLOBSQUIRTLE TIMESHARE RIPOFFS INC!!! SO URGENT THAT WE
HAVE KIDNAPPED THE POSTMAN'S GRANNY AND WILL BE PULLING HER
TOENAILS OUT UNLESS HE DELIVERS THIS LETTER PRETTY DAMN QUICKLY!!!
YES!!! YOU HAVE ALREADY WON ONE OF THE FOLLOWING PRIZES!!!
Solid gold Rolls Royce with built in wine cellar, swimming
pool and radio telescope.
Ten zillion pounds in used notes.
A lifetime's supply of Plutonium (or a year's, whichever
is longer) and as much custard as you can eat.
Belgium.
Twenty paintings by Van Gogh, showing a bearded loony
with one ear. Oh, in fact that's HIM, sorry.
Manuscript of an unknown Wagner opera, "The Gods strike back"
which was supposed to come after the other ones. It turns out
that Siegfried isn't really dead and Wotan claims on the Insurance
for Valhalla. Also the deeds of Bayreuth Opera house so that
you can get the thing more...
Anxious to be on time for his date, Carl nevertheless dropped into a drugstore to make a hasty purchase. The druggist gave him a knowing smile, so Carl gave him a run-down on the expectations he had for the evening.
"I met this girl at a party last week," he explained. "A real hot number. Her folks are going to the opera tonight and it will be just the two of us with the whole apartment to ourselves." Carl was greeted with a warm hug at the door by Nancy, his date. They settled on the couch and turned on the TV. Her folks would be leaving in a few minutes, she explained. Her father wasn't home from work yet and as soon as he arrived, the parents would be departing for dinner and the opera.
Nancy's father arrived soon after and she introduced both parents to Carl.
"Say, why don't Nancy and I join you this evening?" Carl suggested.
"Oh, you children don't want to be spending your evening with us old folks," said Nancy's more...
Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?
A: He can`t find the key and doesn`t know when to come in.
Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and an All-Pro offensive lineman?
A: Stage makeup.
Q: How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.
Q: What is the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
A: Most musicians have never been inside a Porsche.
Q: Did you hear about the female opera singer who had quite a range at the lower end of the scale.
A: She was known as the deep C diva.
Q: What is the missing link between the bass and the ape?
A: The baritone.
Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
A: About 10 pounds.
Q: How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid?
A: When the other tenors notice.
Ever hear the one more...
Rules that guys wished girls knew..........
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see
if he can find the perfect present, again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and
monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like
every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough more...
Accent: An unusual manner of pronunciation, e. g. "Y`all sang that real good!"
Accidentals: Wrong notes
Ad Libitum: A premiere.
Agitato: A string player`s state of mind when a peg slips in the middle of a piece.
Agnus dei: A famous female church composer.
Allegro: Leg fertilizer.
Altered Chord: A sonority that has been spayed.
Atonality: Disease that many modern composers suffer from. The most prominent symptom is the patient`s lacking ability to make decisions.
Augmented fifth: A 36-ounce bottle.
Bar Line: A gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.
Beat: What music students to do each other with their musical instruments. The down beat is performed on the top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.
Bravo: Literally, "How bold!" or "What nerve!" This is a spontaneous expression of more...
A WOMEN'S PERSPECTIVE
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.
How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have more...
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, he sings.