Opera Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    THIS IS AN IMPORTANT, IN FACT URGENT, IN FACT VITAL MESSAGE
    FROM GLOBSQUIRTLE TIMESHARE RIPOFFS INC!!! SO URGENT THAT WE
    HAVE KIDNAPPED THE POSTMAN'S GRANNY AND WILL BE PULLING HER
    TOENAILS OUT UNLESS HE DELIVERS THIS LETTER PRETTY DAMN QUICKLY!!!
    YES!!! YOU HAVE ALREADY WON ONE OF THE FOLLOWING PRIZES!!!
    Solid gold Rolls Royce with built in wine cellar, swimming
    pool and radio telescope.
    Ten zillion pounds in used notes.
    A lifetime's supply of Plutonium (or a year's, whichever
    is longer) and as much custard as you can eat.
    Belgium.
    Twenty paintings by Van Gogh, showing a bearded loony
    with one ear. Oh, in fact that's HIM, sorry.
    Manuscript of an unknown Wagner opera, "The Gods strike back"
    which was supposed to come after the other ones. It turns out
    that Siegfried isn't really dead and Wotan claims on the Insurance
    for Valhalla. Also the deeds of Bayreuth Opera house so that
    you can get the thing more...

    Rules that guys wished girls knew..........
    1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
    2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
    3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
    4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see
    if he can find the perfect present, again!
    5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
    answer you don't want to hear.
    6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
    7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared
    to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and
    monster trucks.
    8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like
    every other cat.
    9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
    10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
    tides. Let it be.
    11. Shopping is not sport.
    12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
    13. You have enough more...

    What is Martha Stewarts favorite new soap opera?
    One Life To Shiv!

    A WOMEN'S PERSPECTIVE
    Why do men like love at first sight?
    It saves them a lot of time.
    A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
    Dating children.
    How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
    In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
    What should you give a man who has everything?
    A woman to show him how to work it.
    Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
    To stop the snoring before it starts.
    Why don't men have mid-life crises?
    They stay stuck in adolescence.
    How does a man show he's planning for the future?
    He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
    How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
    All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
    How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
    At the circus the clowns don't talk.
    What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
    The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have more...

    Honeywell & Imasco & Home Oil = Honey, I'm Home.
    Denison Mines & Alliance & Metal Mining = Mine, All Mine.
    3M & JC Penney & Canadian Opera Company = 3 Penney Opera.
    Crabtree & Evelyn and Apple Computer = Crab Apple.
    Swissair & Cheseborough-Ponds = Swisscheese.
    John Deere & Abitibi-Price = Deere Abi.
    And don't forget the failed merger between Yahoo and Netscape: Net'n'Yahoo. It didn't work out because they were afraid they would have to relocate the headquarters to Tel Aviv.

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