Opening Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Bell-Ringer

    Hot 8 months ago

    Quasimodo, the bell-ringer for the Notre Dame cathedral in Paris, goes to the cardinal. "Cardinal, I'm getting pretty old and I'd like to retire, and live the rest of my life peacefully." The cardinal says, "That's fine Quasi, we'll just let the town crier know so he can put out the call to find a new bell-ringer." The cardinal does this, and both he and Quasimodo hear the town crier announcing the job opening.
    After about three weeks, they are shocked because they haven't had anyone come for the job opening. The cardinal and Quasimodo are down on the steps talking, "Quasi," said the cardinal, "I'm sorry to say this but I can't let you go retire. We don't have anyone to ring the bells if you go. We'll keep the job offer open to anyone, but no one seems to want to do it." As he was speaking, an armless man runs up, and out of breath says, "I'm - here about - the bell - ringing job. Is it still - available?" The cardinal looks to more...

    ** Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

    ** Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.

    ** To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

    ** Run your hands under cold water before pressing Rice Krispies treats in the pan and the marshmallow won't stick to your fingers.

    ** To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.

    ** To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove-top.

    ** Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato-based sauces and there won't be any stains.

    ** When a cake recipe calls for flouring more...

    1. You've ever cut your grass and found a car. 2. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't. 3. You think the stock market has a fence around it. 4. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in-Theater. 5. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu. 6. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 7. You own a homemade fur coat. 8. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns. 9. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 10. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so Ican take a bath." 11. You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in." 12. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen. 13. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. 14. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen. 15. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call fromthe Governor to spare a loved one. 16. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hallbecause of her language. 17. Someone more...

    This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 6 to 8 inches long.
    The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes.
    Is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action.
    It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other.
    In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.
    Anyone found listening in will most surely recognise the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements.
    When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft.
    After everything is ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet more...

    Two Indians and a Redneck were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave."
    Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard a answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
    He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
    The Redneck was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was the other Indian crazy or what?
    "No," said the Indian.
    "It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."
    Just then they saw another cave.
    The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
    Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into more...

  • Recent Activity