Away Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Nail joke

    Hot 5 months ago

    So there were two guys on a roof, pounding nails. One guy pounded a nail in, then picked up another. He was holding the nail upside down. He unexpectedly threw the nail away. He picked up another nail, right side up this time, and pounded this in. He eventually threw so many upside down nails away, that his friend came over. "Eh, what you doing? How come you're throwing away all those nails?" he asked. "Because they're upside down," the friend replied. The other guy looks at the friend, then, after some thought, says, "You Idiot, save them for the ceiling!"

    Checks

    Hot 3 months ago

    A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. "-I know,-" he says, "they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something." They each agree to carry out his wish.
    Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, "-Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we more...

    Here is a little test that will help you decide

    You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

    You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

    What do you do?
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Democrat's Answer:

    Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

    Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?

    Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

    Could we run away?

    What does my wife think? What about the kids?

    Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

    What does the law say about this situation?

    Does the Glock have more...

    Not Much of a Man?

    Hot 2 months ago

    A little guy sat in a cafe one day eating his lunch. Three Hells Angels walked into the cafe, looked around, and decided to have some fun with the little guy.
    They sat at his table. One of them took his coffee away from him and drank it down. The next one took his sandwich away and ate it down. The third Hells Angel took the little guy's pie and ate it down.
    Without saying a word, the little guy got up, went to the cash register, paid his bill, and left.
    One of the Hells Angels looked at the waitress, and said, "Did you see that? We took away his coffee, his sandwich, and his pie! And he didn't say a word! He sure ain't much of a man!"
    The waitress turned to them and said, "He ain't much of a truck driver, either. He just ran over three motorcycles in the parking lot!"

    COYOTE "vs" ACME

    Hot 2 months ago

    In The United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona Case No. B19293, Judge Lance Ito, PresidingWile E. Coyote, Plaintiff-vs. - Acme Company, DefendantOpening statement of Mr. Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote: My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district, and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result of the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability. Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company's mail-order department, more...

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