"Handsome Tip" joke
A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater for opening night, but his seat is way back in the theater, far from the stage.
The man calls an usher over and whispers, "I just love a good mystery and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play. However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better seat, I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher nods and says he will be back shortly. Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets. With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket of the second row.
Returning to the man in the back of the theater, he whispers, "Follow me."
The usher leads the man down to the second row and proudly points out the empty seat right in the middle.
"Thanks so much," says the theatergoer, "This seat is perfect." He then hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks down at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The butler did it in the parlor with the candlestick."
A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. more...
Scientists have invented, at the cost of $75 million in research, a robot that repels eyeliner, lipstick & mascara.
You couldn't make it up!
A guy says to his friend, "I can't remember if the doctor told me my wife has AIDS or Alzheimer's."
His friend says, "It's simple. Drive her to the other side of town. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her."
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.