Modem Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Modem, She Wrote
    Each week, our intrepid detective tries to solve the ultimate mystery: why her modem won't ever connect at 56k.
    Micro-CHiPs
    Ponch and Jon now patrol the Information Superhighway.
    Carly's Angels
    Chief exec Carly Fiorina instructs her team of three vixen market analysts on how to prop up HP's sagging stock price.
    Hawaii 6.0
    An upgraded version of the classic series. Steve McGarrett goes surfing for bad guys online.
    T. J. Hacker
    A retired cop, with an uncanny resemblance to James T. Kirk, takes up computer hacking to track down the miscreants who canceled his TV show.
    The Excel Files
    Inexplicable things are happening to the data in Microsoft Excel spreadsheets. Can this puzzle be solved? The truth is out there.
    The AOL-Team
    Each week, AOL, Time Warner, Netscape, and Mr. T unite to promote corporate mergers and make the world safe for capitalism.
    Magnum, PC
    This series about a crime-solving personal computer that more...

    Modem Addiction

    Hot 2 months ago

    "Did you know that last month's (expletive) phone bill is over $450?" my wife scolded me in her harshest, my-husband-the-child voice. "That's more than twice the monthly payment you make for that (expletive)computer!" she continued as she escalated to screaming.
    "I confess! I confess!" I sobbed. "I'm just an on-line junkie. I'm addicted to my modem! I guess I'll just have to join Modems Anonymous before I owe my soul to the phone company. "As a counselor for Modems Anonymous, I hear numerous variations of the preceding story every day. That insidious disease, modem fever, is exacting a tragically large toll from the cream of our society's computer users. Modem-mania is sweeping through the very foundations of our country and there seems to be no stopping it. This disease (yes, it is a social disease of almost epidemic proportions) is becoming a such calamity that soon there's even going to be a soap opera about on-line addiction named, more...

    Home on the Web

    Hot 4 years ago

    Home on the Web
    (to the tune of "Home on the Range")
    VERSE: Oh give me a site where the links all work right - one that doesn't take too long to load - where the text can be seen on my 13-inch screen - one that offers a "no-Java" mode.
    REFRAIN: Home, home on the Web on my 486 IBM. Please take pity on me - I'm still on Netscape 3 with a 14.4-speed modem!
    VERSE: Though your video files give your pages some style I can't read them upon my PC; Massive graphics and sound crash my system, I've found, so please put in some "alt" tags for me!
    REFRAIN: Home, home on the Web on my 486 IBM Please take pity on me - I'm still on Netscape 3 with a 14.4-speed modem!
    VERSE: Please don't ask me to "chat" with your favorite cat; I don't have an IRC code. And don't ask me to buy games for Win 95 - My PC is way too darn old!
    REFRAIN: Home, home on the Web on my 486 IBM Please take pity on me - I'm still on Netscape 3 with a 14.4-speed more...

    In a move IBM offices are hailing as a major step in the company's ongoing worldwide telecommunications revolution, M'wana Ndeti, a member of Zaire's Bantu tribe, used an IBM global uplink network modem yesterday to crush a nut.
    Ndeti, who spent twenty minutes trying to open the nut by hand, easily cracked it open by smashing it repeatedly with the powerful modem.
    "I could not crush the nut by myself," said the forty-seven-year-old Ndeti, who added the savory nut to a thick, peanut-based soup minutes later. "With IBM's help, I was able to break it."
    Ndeti discovered the nut-breaking, 28.8 V.34 modem yesterday, when IBM was shooting a commercial in his southwestern Zaire village. During a break in shooting, which shows African villagers eagerly teleconferencing via computer with Japanese schoolchildren, Ndeti snuck onto the set and took the modem, which he believed would serve well as a "smashing" utensil.
    IBM officials were not surprised more...

    The Net Before Christmas

    Hot 2 years ago

    'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the nets,
    Not a mousie was stirring, not even the pets.
    The floppies were stacked by the modem with care,
    In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
    The files were nestled all snug in a folder,
    The screen-saver turned on, the weather was colder.
    And leaving the keyboard along with my mouse,
    I turned from the screen to the rest of the house.
    When up from the drive there arose such a clatter,
    I turned to the screen to see what was the matter.
    Away to the mouse I flew like a flash,
    Zoomed open a window in fear of a crash...
    The glow from the screen on the keyboard below,
    Gave an electronic luster to all my macros.
    When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
    But a little sleigh icon with eight tiny reindeer.
    And a tiny disk driver so SCSI and quick,
    I knew in a nano it must be Saint Nick.
    More rapid than trackballs his cursors they came,
    He more...

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