Mature Jokes / Recent Jokes

Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent. From my purchase this chap took off ten percent. I asked for the cause of a lesser amount; And he answered, "Because of the Seniors Discount." I went to McDonald`s for a burger and fries; And there, once again, got quite a surprise. The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me. He said, "For you, Seniors, the coffee is free." Understand---I`m not old---I`m merely mature; But some things are changing, temporarily, I`m sure. The newspaper print gets smaller each day, And people speak softer---can`t hear what they say. My teeth are my own (I have the receipt), and my glasses identify people I meet. Oh, I`ve slowed down a bit...not a lot, I am sure. You see, I`m not old...I`m only mature. The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun. You should see all the damage that chlorine has done. Washing my hair has turned it all white, But don`t call it gray...saying "blond" is just right. My car is all paid more...

Place-Mats: They only show up when there's food on the table.
Mascara: They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Bike Helmets: Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Government Bonds: They take so long to mature.
Parking Spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.
Copiers: You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Lava Lamps: Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Bank Accounts: Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
High Heels: They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Curling Irons: They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Mini Skirts: If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Bananas: The older they get, the less firm they are.
Fine wine: They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with.
Vacations: They never seem to last more...

Q. What is the difference between Government Bonds and Men?
A. Government Bonds mature.

Subject: Truth in Advertising

List of Abbreviations in the WOMEN SEEKING MEN Classifieds
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CODE WORD INTERPRETED AS:

40-ish 48
Adventurer Has had more partners than you ever will
Affectionate Possessive
Artist Unreliable
Athletic Flat chested
Average looking Ugly
Beautiful Pathological liar
Commitment-minded Pick out curtains, now!
Communication important Just try to get a word in edgewise
Contagious Smile Bring your penicillin
Educated College dropout
Emotionally Secure Medicated
Employed Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
Enjoys art and opera Snob
Enjoys Nature Bring your own granola
Exotic Beauty Would frighten a Martian
Feminist Fat; ball buster
Financially Secure One paycheck from the street
Free spirit Substance user
Friendship first Trying to live down reputation as more...