Mature Jokes

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    Wedding Toasts 6

    Hot 8 months ago

    The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
    The high divorce rates in America indicate that the U.S. is still the Land of the Free, but your marriage demonstrates that we also remain the Home of the Brave!
    The man says: With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly good I thee endow. (Book of Common Prayer)
    The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
    If you are the best man at a wedding there is always my favorite toast:
    The screwing you'll get is going to be worth the screwing you'll get.
    I didn't have the guts to use it at the wedding but it got a lot of laughs at the bachelor party.
    The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him.
    The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. more...

    Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
    From my purchase this chap took off 10 percent.
    I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
    And he answered, "Because of the Seniors Discount."
    I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;
    And there, once again, got quite a surprise.
    The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
    He said, "For you seniors, the coffee is free."
    Understand - I'm not old - I'm merely mature;
    But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure.
    The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
    And people speak softer - can't hear what they say.
    My teeth are my own (I have the receipt),
    and my glasses identify people I meet.
    Oh, I've slowed down a bit... not a lot, I am sure.
    You see, I'm not old... I'm only mature.
    The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
    You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.
    Washing my hair has turned it all white,
    But don't more...

    Place-Mats: They only show up when there's food on the table.
    Mascara: They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
    Bike Helmets: Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
    Government Bonds: They take so long to mature.
    Parking Spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.
    Copiers: You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
    Lava Lamps: Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
    Bank Accounts: Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
    High Heels: They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
    Curling Irons: They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
    Mini Skirts: If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
    Bananas: The older they get, the less firm they are.
    Fine wine: They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with.
    Vacations: They never seem to last more...

    The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. - Groucho MarxThe marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is Marxism. -Heidi Hartmann [The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism]The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. - S. T. ColeridgeThe only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. - James Holt McGavranTo keep your marriage brimmingWith love in the marriage cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it, Whenever you're more...

    The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.

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