Lead Jokes / Recent Jokes

A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their program manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof - out pops a genie."Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you."The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew.""It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest.""It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those more...

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
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WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
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WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
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WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4:00 AM.
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WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
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WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
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WARNING, the consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the more...

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name and/or species you can’t remember). WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more attractive, and smarter than some really, really big guy named Franz. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause a flux in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

New warning labels for liquor, wine and beer containers:
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what in the world happened to your bra and panties.
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WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
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WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
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WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
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WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
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WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
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WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
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WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of more...

You can lead a horticulture, but you can`t make her think.

You can observe a lot just by watching.

You can`t expect to hit the jackpot if you don`t put a few nickles in the machine.

You can`t fall off the floor.

You can`t get here from there.

You can`t guard against the arbitrary.

You can`t outtalk a man who knows what he`s talking about.

You can`t push a rope.

You can`t tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it.

You can`t tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash when the garbage truck is two doors away.

& Q. How can you tell if a plane is full of flute players?
A. When the engines stop, the whining continues
&
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They have a machine that does that now.
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians?
A: A drummer.
Q: How do you know if there is a drummer at your door?
A: The knocking always speeds up.
Q: Why do drummers always have trouble entering a room?
A: They never know when to come in.
Q: How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light buld?
A: 50. 1 to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that
better.
Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control?
A: Their personality.
Q: How do lead trumpet players greet each other?
A: "Hi, I`m better than you."
Q: What`s the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?
A: "I didn`t wake up this more...

Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a loser.
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again.
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
Consumption of alcohol may convince you that your ex is really dying to hear from you at 4 am.
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that you're tougher than a really big guy named Kong.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby more...