Holy Jokes / Recent Jokes
One day 3 men went to a shrine to ask the Father for forgivness. The first man went to the Father and said: " Father, Father I have sinned!" Father: "What have you done?" The first man:" I have lied!" Father: "Drink the Holy water and you will be saved." And so the man drank the water and was "saved". Then the second man went up to the Father and said:" Father, Father I have sinned!" Father: "What have you done?" The second man: " I have stolen from the jeweler's!" Father: "Drink the Holy water and you will be saved." And so the man drank the holy water and was "saved". The third man went up to the Father and said: " Father, Father I have sinned!" Father: "What have you done?" The third man: " I peed in the Holy water!"
Three men stood in line for confession. The first
guy stood up and said, "OH PLEASE FORGIVE ME!"
The minister asked what he did, "I ran over my
cat."
The minister said he was forgiven and to go drink
the holy water. Then the second guy walked up and
said, "OH PLEASE PLEASE FORGIVE ME!"
The minister asked what he did. "I killed my wife"
The minister said he was forgiven and to drink the
holy water. Then the third guy came up and said,
"OH PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE FORGIVE ME"
The minister asked what he did and he said, "I
peed in the holy water."
It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend.
"However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.
Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water."
The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath. The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what more...
When Nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.
Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.
"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.
"Well, your more...
The Pope had been diagnosed as having a potentially fatal testicular disease and after treatment he was told that he had to have sex with a woman to confirm that the treatment had been fully successful. He called all his Cardinals together and told them what he had to be done and they agreed it was necessary.
The Pope said he would go ahead with it but insisted on four conditions.
"Firstly", he said " the girl has to be blind so she cannot see it's the Holy Father and tell the whole world"
"Secondly, she must be deaf so that she doesn't recognize the Holy Father's voice and tell the whole world"
"Thirdly, as a precaution, she has to be dumb so she cannot tell the whole world anyway".
At this point one of the Cardinals stood up and said " Leave it to me Holy Father, I know just the woman for you"
As the Cardinal was about to leave the Pope said " wait a moment, I told you there are four more...
One Sunday morning a minister and a choirboy were getting the church ready for mass. The minister prepared his sermon while the choirboy filled the holy water fountain.
Suddenly, the choirboy burst into the minister's room and yelled, "father father, I just saw the most amazing thing! I filled the holy water fountain. Then a man came in on crutches. He moved to the fountain, dipped his left hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his left crutch. Then he dipped his right hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his right crutch. Then he turned to me. .. and he took a step forward"!
The minister was awe struck by what he just heard. "My boy, he said, you just witnessed a miracle from God! Where's this man now?"
The Choirboy replies...
"flat on his face in front of the holy water fountain"!
A family court judge and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn.
"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.
He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on more...