Line Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    In line for heaven

    Hot 6 months ago

    "Alright, everyone," St. Peter says, "You men, form two lines - one line for the men who dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women."
    They do as they are told. Peter looks up and sees that the line of men who were dominated by their women is 100 miles long. In the line of men who dominated their women, there was only one man.
    Peter is mad. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. God created you in His image and you were all whipped by your mates. Only one of you has made God proud during your journey on earth. Learn from him!"
    Then, addressing the solitary man, Peter says, "Tell the rest how you managed to be the only one in this line."
    "I'm not sure," the man says. "My wife told me to stand here."

    A lawyer goes to heaven:

    Hot 6 months ago

    A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

    A political activist named Dave was just arriving in Hell, and was
    told he had a choice to make. He could go to Capitalist Hell or to
    Communist Hell.
    Naturally, Dave wanted to compare the two, so he wandered over to
    Capitalist Hell. There outside the door was Rockerfeller, looking bored.
    "What's it like in there?" asked Dave. "Well," he replied, "In
    Capitalist Hell, they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a
    rock and let a vulture tear your liver out, and cut you up into small
    pieces with sharp knives."
    "That's terrible!!" gasped Dave. "I'm going to check out Communist
    Hell!" He went over to Communist Hell, where he discovered a huge line
    of people waiting to get in; the line circled around the lobby seven
    times before receding off into the horizon. Dave pushed his way through
    to the head of the line, where he found Karl Marx busily signing people
    in. Dave asked Karl more...

    Fly the Friendly Skies

    Hot 4 months ago

    During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.
    A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
    The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I''ll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we''ll be able to work something out."
    The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
    Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the more...

    The Cab

    Hot 1 year ago

    A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.
    So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his driver's license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.
    The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the
    hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
    One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.
    Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well, who should he see more...

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