Rabbi Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion."
    "I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."
    They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision."

    Confessional

    Hot 9 months ago

    A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.
    The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
    The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'
    The priest asks, 'What did you do?'
    The woman says, 'I committed adultery.'
    The priest says, 'How many times?'
    And the woman replies, 'Three.'
    Priest: 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.'
    A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, 'Father forgive me for I have sinned.'
    'What did you do?'
    ‘I committed adultery.'
    'How many times?'
    'Three times.'
    The priest says, 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more...

    Two priests and a rabbi

    Hot 7 months ago

    Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the
    weekly collection they kept for themselves. The first priest
    explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back
    and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle
    he kept and what landed outside the circle god kept.
    The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same,
    except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the
    money that landed inside the circle god kept.
    The rabbi said, "I've got you both beat. I throw the money
    into the air and what god wants, god takes."

    Jewish Sons

    Hot 5 months ago

    A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home.
    "Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers," the son said. "It was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity."
    "Oi vey," replied the father, "what have I done." So in the tradition of the patriarchs he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his friend, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian."
    So in the tradition of the patriarchs they went to the Rabbi. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is more...

    Making It Kosher

    Hot 11 months ago

    A Rabbi was walking home from the Temple and saw one of his good friends, a pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in religious arguments. The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his friend, when he was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese restaurant (not a kosher one). Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared
    carrying a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoon and other treif that the Rabbi could not bear to think about. As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food, the Rabbi burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend, for he could take it no longer. "Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come into this restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it in violation of everything we are taught about the dietary laws and with an apparent enjoyment that does not befit your more...

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