Rabbi Jokes / Recent Jokes

October 28, 1958 - Angleo Giuseppe Roncalli was elected Pope. He took the name John XXIII.
TRADITION
Every time a new pope is elected, there are a lot of rituals and ceremonies that have to be gone through, in accordance with tradition. Well, there's one tradition that very few people know about.
Shortly after the new pope is enthroned, the chief rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the pope's presence, whereupon he presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope.
The pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection.
The chief rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next pope is elected. John XXIII was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the chief rabbi was shown into his presence, he more...

METAPHYSICAL MENU... The main course at the big civic dinner was baked ham with glazed sweet potatoes.

Rabbi Cohen regretfully shook his head when the platter was passed to him.' When,' scolded Father Kelly playfully,' are you going to forget that silly rule of yours and eat ham like the rest of us?' Without skipping a beat, Rabbi Cohen replied:' At your wedding reception, Father Kelly.'

One day a priest had a doctor's appointment and needed someone to cover for him at the confessional, so he calls over an old school chum of his who happens to be a rabbi.
The rabbi had no idea what to do but agreed to cover for the priest. The priest needed to show the rabbi how everything worked, so when the first person came in the priest said, "What is your sin my son?"
The man said "I've commited adultery."
The priest asks, "How many times?"
The man says, "3 times."
The priest replies, "Do 10 Hail Marys, then put $5 in the donation box."
Then the second man comes in and says he committed adultery also. When asked how many times he said 3. The priest replied again, "Do 10 Hail Marys then put $5 in the donation box."
The rabbi tells the priest he has got the hang of it and that he should go to the doctor's now.
After the rabbi is alone another man comes up to the confessional.
The rabbi more...

Conversion

Hot 6 years ago

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi... where did I go wrong?""Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian.""What did you do?" asked the lawyer. "I turned to God for the answer," replied the rabbi."And what did he say?"He said, "Funny you should come to me..."

Two Brothers

Hot 6 years ago

There once were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. They attended the same temple, and to everyone else, they appeared to be perfect Jews.
One day, their rabbi retired and a new one was hired. Not only could the new rabbi see right through the brothers' deceptions, but he also spoke well and true about it. Due to the rabbi's honesty and integrity, the temple's membership grew in numbers. Eventually, a fundraising campaign was started to build a much bigger temple.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new rabbi the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to complete the new building. He held the check for the rabbi to see.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At the funeral, you must say my brother was a mensch. You must say those exact words."
After some thought, the rabbi gave his word and took the check. He more...

Work or Play?

Hot 7 years ago

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.
He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on the Sabbath."
The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" He goes to minister... a married man with experience, for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority -- a man of thousands of year's tradition and knowledge: a rabbi. The rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

A shamus joke

Hot 6 years ago

A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog functionaries, and there's a joke about that:
A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!".
The cantor, not to be bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Now look who thinks he's nobody!"