The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers found in churches across the United States.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
Evening massage - 6 p.m.
The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
The pastor will more...
A very popular local church was having a membership drive and three couples were being interviewed by the pastor. The pastor explained to them that in order to be accepted as members of the church, they would have to show their commitment to God by abstaining from sex for three weeks. He directed them to return in three weeks to meet with him, let him know whether or not they had honored this commitment, and he would make a decision on accepting them as members.
Three weeks later, the pastor was talking with the three couples and asked the first couple, an elderly couple, how they did. The husband explained that they had abstained from sex for the three weeks, and the pastor welcomed them as new members of the congregation.
The second couple, a middle-aged couple, explained that they had their urges but were able to abstain from sex for the three weeks. Again, the pastor welcomed the couple as new members of the congregation.
Finally, the third couple, a newlywed couple, more...
The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
1. Parish information, read only during the homily.
2. Catholic air conditioning.
3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
The original "Jaws" story.
When kids have kids of their own.
The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
The most famous trio to attend a baby more...
An Act of Charity
One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little
extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be
able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the
pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000
bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his
congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had
placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly
raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she
made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave
so much and asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she
looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the
building and said, "
I'll take him and him and him."
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. So they went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 5 or 6 children, this started to get expensive so the congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the preacher's pay situation.
As you can imagine, there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd.
"Having children is an act of God!" he said.
In the back of the room, a little old man stood up and in his frail voice said, "Point of information - snow and rain are also acts of God.
But if we get too much, we put on our rubbers."