Glass Jokes / Recent Jokes

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples,not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated,not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew more...

One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn't been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, "Jeez Doc, exactly what is my problem?"
The doctor replied, "You're not drinking enough water."

A blonde was walking down the road when she saw a beautiful looking lamp, so she picked it up. She rubbed it and a magic genie came out. "You may have any three objects in the world, oh mighty mistress," said the genie. The blonde replied, "I wish I had an endless glass of wine."
Suddenly a big, crystal glass filled with wine appeared in the blonde's hand. She drank it and to her surprise, it filled up again! "Wow! This wine is really nice, and it can't run out!" the blonde said. "In fact, it's so good, I'll have another two of these, please, genie!"

3 vampires walk into a bar and the first orders a bloody mary. Then the second orders a bloody mary too. Then the third orders a glass of hot water. The other two vampires say, "What are you thinking, a glass of water?" The third pulls out a tampon and says, "Tea time!"

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.
The bartender thinks, "This guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.
The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender, "I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!"
Still unimpressed, the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.
The patron takes a sip...same reaction.
But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.
Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.
All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching.
He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says: "Shay mishter, tashte this!" The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out.
"That tastes more...

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.The bartender thinks "this guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!"Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.The patron takes a sip...same reaction.But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching.He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says:"Shay mishter, tashte this!" The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out."That tastes like pee!," he shoots back at the drunk.The drunk more...

So you want to divide the world in to optimists and pessimists, huh? Check this out:

"The glass is half full."
"The glass is half empty."
"The glass is twice as big as it needs to be."
"The glass is full; half with water, half with air."
"The glass contains some water; I want a Coke!"
"The water is surrounded by a glass."
"The glass was half...something a minute ago. Now it's empty. [burp]"