Fruitcake Jokes / Recent Jokes

How to make a fruitcake!:
---------------------------------
1 C water
1 C sugar
4 large eggs
2 C dried fruit
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 C brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey

Directions:
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1. Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
2. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
3. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
4. Turn on the electric mixer; beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
5. Add one tsp. sugar and beat again.
6. Be sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup.
7. Turn off the mixer.
8. Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
9. Mix on the turner.
10. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
11. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
12. Next, sift two more...

I have a fruitcake which has been in my family for several years. Apparently,
my family saves them for the following year and gives them as a gift to
someone else. That's how the fruitcake that I gave my mother four years ago
finally made its way back into my hands. (Mom gave it to brother, brother
gave it to sister, then sister gave it to me).

Since the fruitcake tradition appears to be unstoppable, this year I've decided
to replace our family's fruitcake with a more durable one which we will cherish
for years.

Items Needed
-------------
4 Oz. Fruit Bits
1 Railroad Tie
Wood Saw
Large Rubber Mallet
Safety Goggles

WEAR YOUR SAFETY GOGGLES.
(Children Get help from an adult!)

Cut a one-foot section from the middle of your railroad tie. The resulting
block of wood should be the size and shape of a loaf of bread.

Then, take some fruit bits and pound them into the more...

HOLIDAY FRUITCAKE RECIPE
You will need the following: A cup of
water, a cup of sugar, four large brown
eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon
of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice,
nuts, and a bottle of whiskey.
Sample the whiskey and check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey
again. To be sure it is the highest quality,
pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of
butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one
teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry
another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two
leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the
cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If
the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers,
pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey and check for
tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt.
Or something. Who cares? Check the
whiskey. Now sift the lemon uice more...

How to make a fruitcake!:
1 C water
1 C sugar
4 large eggs
2 C dried fruit
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 C brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey
Directions:
1. Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
2. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
3. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
4. Turn on the electric mixer; beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
5. Add one tsp. sugar and beat again.
6. Be sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup.
7. Turn off the mixer.
8. Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
9. Mix on the turner.
10. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
11. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
12. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares.
13. Check the whiskey.
14. Now sift the lemon more...

SCOTTISH FRUITCAKE RECIPE. You`ll need the following: 1 cup of water 1 cup of sugar 4 large brown eggs 2 cups of dried fruit 1 teaspoon of salt 1 cup of brown sugar Lemon juice 1 cup of nuts 1 bottle of whiskey.

How to Tell if You're a GrinchThis is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for Christmas and your New Year's resolutions: 1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points). 2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out). 3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points). 4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points. 5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction). 6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell more...

How to Tell if You're a Grinch
This is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for Christmas and your New Year's resolutions:
1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).
2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).
3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer. (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).
4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.
5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).
6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas more...