Candy Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    At The Candy Store

    Hot 5 months ago

    Three guys enter a candy store. The first guy approaches the clerk and asks for 10 cents worth of jellybeans.
    Since the jellybeans are on the top shelf, the clerk goes into another room, brings out a ladder, gets the jellybeans down, takes out 10 cents worth, puts the jellybeans back on the top shelf, and puts the ladder away.
    Then, he goes to the second guy and asks what he wants. He, too, wants 10 cents worth of jellybeans.
    So, the clerk goes into the other room, brings out the ladder, gets the jellybeans down and takes out 10 cents worth. Before putting them back up on the top shelf, he turns to the third guy and asks, "Do you want 10 cents worth of jellybeans?"
    "No, thank you," he replies.
    Hearing that, the clerk puts the jellybeans back up on the top shelf and puts the ladder away.
    He returns to the third guy and asks, "So, what would you like?"
    "I'd like 5 cents worth of jellybeans!" he replies.

    A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long." He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out." The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this ch eck out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and more...

    'Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
    were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
    Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
    in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
    While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
    had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
    When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
    I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
    Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
    tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
    The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
    sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
    When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
    a marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
    That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
    I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.
    The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
    I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
    On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
    a Weight Watcher dropout more...

    Boy 1

    Hot 2 months ago

    Boy 1: "How did you get that bruise on your arm?" Boy 2: "I ate some Easter candy." Boy 1: "Eating Easter candy won't give you a bruise." Boy 2: "It will if it's your big brother's candy!"

    Diet Rules

    Hot 5 years ago

    1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
    2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
    3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
    4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
    5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
    6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and no part of one's personal fuel.
    7. Cookie pieces contain no calories - the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
    8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
    9. more...

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