Files Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Modem, She Wrote
    Each week, our intrepid detective tries to solve the ultimate mystery: why her modem won't ever connect at 56k.
    Micro-CHiPs
    Ponch and Jon now patrol the Information Superhighway.
    Carly's Angels
    Chief exec Carly Fiorina instructs her team of three vixen market analysts on how to prop up HP's sagging stock price.
    Hawaii 6.0
    An upgraded version of the classic series. Steve McGarrett goes surfing for bad guys online.
    T. J. Hacker
    A retired cop, with an uncanny resemblance to James T. Kirk, takes up computer hacking to track down the miscreants who canceled his TV show.
    The Excel Files
    Inexplicable things are happening to the data in Microsoft Excel spreadsheets. Can this puzzle be solved? The truth is out there.
    The AOL-Team
    Each week, AOL, Time Warner, Netscape, and Mr. T unite to promote corporate mergers and make the world safe for capitalism.
    Magnum, PC
    This series about a crime-solving personal computer that more...

    Modem Addiction

    Hot 2 months ago

    "Did you know that last month's (expletive) phone bill is over $450?" my wife scolded me in her harshest, my-husband-the-child voice. "That's more than twice the monthly payment you make for that (expletive)computer!" she continued as she escalated to screaming.
    "I confess! I confess!" I sobbed. "I'm just an on-line junkie. I'm addicted to my modem! I guess I'll just have to join Modems Anonymous before I owe my soul to the phone company. "As a counselor for Modems Anonymous, I hear numerous variations of the preceding story every day. That insidious disease, modem fever, is exacting a tragically large toll from the cream of our society's computer users. Modem-mania is sweeping through the very foundations of our country and there seems to be no stopping it. This disease (yes, it is a social disease of almost epidemic proportions) is becoming a such calamity that soon there's even going to be a soap opera about on-line addiction named, more...

    No Smoke

    Hot 3 years ago

    A guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
    Tech: What's the problem?
    User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
    Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
    User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
    Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
    User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup files and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
    Ten minutes later, the User is still adamant that they are right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.
    Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
    User: I knew it!
    Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.
    Ten minutes later.
    User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
    Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
    User: MS-DOS more...

    Never write a line of code that someone else can understand.
    Make the simplest line of code appear complex. Use long
    counter intuitive names. Don't ever code "a=b", rather do something
    like:
    AlphaNodeSemaphore=*(int)(&(unsigned long)(BetaFrameNodeFarm));
    Type fast, think slow.
    Never use direct references to anything ever. Bury everything in
    macros. Bury the macros in include files. Reference those include
    files indirectly from other include files. Use macros to reference
    those include files.
    Never include a comment that will help someone else understand your
    code. If they understand it, they don't need you.
    Never generate new sources. Always ifdef the old ones. Every binary
    in the world should be generated from the same sources.
    Never archive all the sources necessary to build a binary. Always
    hide on your own disk. If they can build your binary, they don't
    need you.
    Never code a function to return a value. more...

    A blonde and brunette secretary are at work. The blonde asks the brunette, "Where are the files Mr.Martin told us to bring up that he had to have?" The brunette replies, "In the computer."
    The blonde sits there for a while looking at the computer in disbelief. Finally she stood up and threw the computer on the floor. The brunette screams,"What was that for!?!?!", the blonde cried, "Uh! You told me they were in the computer! Well, where are they!

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