"Hippocratic Oath For Software Engineers" joke

Hot 4 years ago

Never write a line of code that someone else can understand.
Make the simplest line of code appear complex. Use long
counter intuitive names. Don't ever code "a=b", rather do something
like:
AlphaNodeSemaphore=*(int)(&(unsigned long)(BetaFrameNodeFarm));
Type fast, think slow.
Never use direct references to anything ever. Bury everything in
macros. Bury the macros in include files. Reference those include
files indirectly from other include files. Use macros to reference
those include files.
Never include a comment that will help someone else understand your
code. If they understand it, they don't need you.
Never generate new sources. Always ifdef the old ones. Every binary
in the world should be generated from the same sources.
Never archive all the sources necessary to build a binary. Always
hide on your own disk. If they can build your binary, they don't
need you.
Never code a function to return a value. All functions must return a
pointer to a structure which contains a pointer to a value.
Never discuss things in concrete terms. Always speak in abstract. If
they can understand you, they don't need you.
Never complete a project on time. If you do, they will think it was
easy and anyone can do it and they don't need you.
When someone stops by your office to ask a question, talk forever
but don't answer the question. If they get their questions answered
they don't need you.
Load all sentences either written or spoken with alphabet soup. When
someone asks you out to lunch, reply:
"I can't because I've almost got my RISC-based OSI/TCP/IP
client connected by BIBUS VMS VAX using SMTP over TCP
sending SNMP inquiry results to be encapsulated in UDP
packets for transmission to a SUN 4/280 NFS 4.3 BSD with
release 3.6 of RPC/XDR supporting our ONC effort working."
Never clean your office. Absolutely never throw away an old listing.
Never say hello to someone in hallway. Absolutely never address
someone by name. If you must address someone by name, mumble or use
the wrong name. Always maintain the mystique of being spaced out
from concentrating on complex logic.
Never wear a shirt that matches your pants. Wear a wrinkled shirt
whenever possible. Your shirt must never be tucked in completely.
Button the top button without wearing a tie. This will maximize your
mystique.

One dark night in hell, the Devil, bent upon his ultimate revenge, determined to become a computer programmer.
Secretly he pored over main pages, Microsoft press releases, and hex dumps of the renowned SATAN program, until, satisfied that he was master of the unclean craft, more...

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