Environment Jokes / Recent Jokes
Microsoft Patents Ones, Zeroes
REDMOND, WA - In what CEO Bill Gates called "an unfortunate but necessary step to protect our intellectual property from theft and exploitation by competitors," the Microsoft Corporation patented the numbers one and zero Monday.
With the patent, Microsoft's rivals are prohibited from manufacturing or selling products containing zeroes and ones--the mathematical building blocks of all computer languages and programs--unless a royalty fee of 10 cents per digit used is paid to the software giant.
"Microsoft has been using the binary system of ones and zeroes ever since its inception in 1975," Gates told reporters. "For years, in the interest of the overall health of the computer industry, we permitted the free and unfettered use of our proprietary numeric systems. However, changing marketplace conditions and the increasingly predatory practices of certain competitors now leave us with no choice but to seek more...
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people" -- Former U. S. Vice-President Dan Quayle"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." -- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers." The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep." -- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results." -- Former U. S. President Calvin Coolidge"It's like deja more...
Air Force One, the jet that carries the President, was on it's way to a summit meeting in Washington, DC on the status of the Internet.
On board were Bill Clinton, Al Gore and Bill Gates. Halfway to DC, the plane suddenly crashed and all on board died instantly. Up in Heaven, God sat upon a large throne and looked down to pass judgement on the three men.
'Bill Clinton', God said,' What do you believe in?'
Clinton replied,' I believe in freedom of speech, in music and in serving the public.'
'Very well,' God said,' You may enter Heaven, Mr. Clinton.'
Al Gore stepped up.' Mr. Gore, what do you believe in?', God asked.
'I believe in saving the environment, I believe in fresh air and trees and I did everything I could to ensure that our children would inherit a clean environment.' Al said.
'Very well,' God said,' You may enter Heaven, Mr. Gore.'
Bill Gates stepped up.' Mr. Gates,' God said,' What do more...
Editor's Note: It's dry parody. You gotta really like sci-fi to enjoy this one...
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Experiment 8 Postflight Summary
NASA publication 14-307-1792
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ABSTRACT
The purpose of this experiment was to prepare for the expected participation in long-term space based research by husband-wife teams once the US space station is in place. To this end, the investigators explored a number of possible approaches to continued marital relations in the zero-G orbital environment provided by the XXXXXX shuttle mission.
Our primary conclusion is that satisfactory marital relations are within the realm of possibility in zero-G, but that many couples would have difficulty getting used to the approaches we found to be most satisfactory.
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INTRODUCTION
The more...
The male sexual organ requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:
has to work hard;
has to work at great depths;
has to work upside down;
has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
has to work in a high humidity environment;
has to work at high temperatures;
does not get weekends and holidays off;
does not get time off after extra hours of work;
has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.
Request denied for the following reasons:
does not work 8 hours in a row;
does not answer immediately to all requests;
does not have a degree;
after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
shows no fidelity to the workplace;
retires too early;
does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work.
The male sexual organ requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons: - has to work hard; - has to work at great depths; - has to work upside down; - has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work; - has to work in a high humidity environment; - has to work at high temperatures; - does not get weekends and holidays off; - does not get time off after extra hours of work; - has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness. Request DENIED for the following reasons: - does not work 8 hours in a row; - does not answer immediately to all requests; - does not have a degree; - after a short activity period, falls asleep at work; - shows no fidelity to the workplace; - retires too early; - does not work at all unless pushed from behind; - does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work.
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people" -- Former U. S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." -- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
"The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep." -- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results." -- more...