Divorce Jokes / Recent Jokes
1. Coca-cola was originally green.
2. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.
3. Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever.
4. Dumbest dog: Afghan
5. Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
6. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
7. Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 2
8. Amount American Airlines saved in '87 by taking out 1 olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000
9. City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong
10. State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
11. Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4
12. Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12
13. Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
14. Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
15. Estimated % of American adults who go on diet each year: 44%
16. Barbie's measurements if she more...
A man had recently gone through a messy divorce to his wife of 10 years. Part of the settlement was that for every dollar he made, she would get 2/3 of it. If he made $300, she would get $200 and he would get $100. So, she would always get twice as much as he did.
One day on a jog, he found a corked bottle lying on the ground, and of course, when he rubbed on it to try to clean it off, a genie came out.
'You know the drill,' said the genie.' You get three wishes, but be aware that for everything you wish for, you ex-wife gets twice as much. That was in your settlement and I am obligated to stick to that.'
'Yea, OK,' said the man.' For my first wish, I want a million dollars.'
'Done,' said the genie.' But now your wife has 2 million.'
'I know, I know...' said the man.' Now I wish for a mansion and a matching sports car in the garage.'
'Done,' said the genie.' But now your wife has a mansion twice your size and two more...
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a
divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" The farmer said,
"Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."
The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?" The farmer
said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, " No, you
don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I
don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have
a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I
park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you
have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear th to church on
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your
wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about more...
A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
The mother looks over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite." the mother warns.
"Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I more...
Anyone who thinks that severance pay is something new probably doesn't understand alimony.
No man knows how short a month can be until he has to pay alimony.
Paying alimony is like having your television on while you're asleep.
I sued for divorse on the grounds of mental cruelty. A couple of times, she tried to kill me.
We had a Hollywood divorce. She asked for custody of the money.
It was a rather friendly divorce, we split up the house equally. I got the outside.
I'm never getting married again. I'll just find some woman I really hate and buy her a house.
Divorce is bachelorhood, with strings attached...
Tis better to have loved and lost....than have to live with the bitch the rest of my life.
What do you call a woman without an asshole? Divorced.
My ex-wife is like a good laxative...she irritates the shit out of you.
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
Divorce is having your genitals torn off through your wallet. - Robin Williams
Love is grand. Divorce is at least 20 grand.
When I got divorced, my wife and I split the house. I got the outside and she got the inside.
Of all the new weight loss programs and exercise videos available, divorce is still the most effective. Where else can you get rid of 205 pounds in a quick 90 days.
Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. - Ambrose Pierce
When does a woman stop masturbating? After the divorce is finalized.
Says Jim after the divorce was finally settled - "Eh, I didn't care for some of her habits...I more...
Q: What do a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce have in common?
A: Someone is going to lose a trailer.