Cucumber Jokes / Recent Jokes

A cucumber and a pickle were having a conversation.
The pickle said to the cucumber, "I got it bad man, every time I get big, fat and juicy I get seasoned and put in a jar."
The cucumber said to the pickle, "Well every time I get big, fat and juicy I get chopped up and out over salad."
The penis walks by and overhears them and says, "I got it worse than you both. When I get big, fat and juicy I get put in a dark, smelly room and they make me do push-ups till I throw up."

One day a penis, a pickle and a cucumber were all standing around talking about how much their lifes suck.
The Cucumber said "
Imagine sitting in dirt all your life and then shoved in a bag, tossed around, drenched it water and then cut up into little pieces."
Then the Pickle chimed in with, "
You think thats bad, try having to deal with being put in a tub of water, almost drowning, and then having a ceiling put on top so you sufocate to death."
Then the Penis spoke "
whatever, you guys got it easy....All my life i've gotten beaten, pushed and pulled, have bags put over my head and then hit against a wall until I throw up."

Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning because there was a distinct chill in the air due to the temperature dropping below 73ºF.
Carefully fold each item, and place in clothes hamper.
Walk to bathroom. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately.
Look at your womanly figure in the mirror, and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you¹re getting fat.
Position the shower nozzle pointing away from you, and turn on the water.
Get into the shower, once you have found it through all that steam.
Look for face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with Cucumber & Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again with Cucumber & Lamfrey Shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash your hair once again (just to make sure) with Cucumber & Lamfrey Shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Condition your more...

A pickle, A cucumber, and a (member) were all sitting around discussing how bad their days were. The cucumber said I had the worst day ever my boss tried to pickle me. Oh yeah said the pickle my boss tried to eat me. I have all you guys beat said the (member), my owner stuck a bag over my head put me in a dark cave and made me do pushups till I threw up.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothing and place in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
Look at your womanly physique in mirror and stick out gut so you can complain and whine even more about getting fat.
Get in shower.
Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Condition hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil.
Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as more...

There is a cabbage a cucumber and a penis on a shelf. One day the cucumber is crying so the other two ask what is wrong. He says when I get big fat and juicy I get chopped in half and I get eaten and the other two say there really sorry for him.
The next day the cabbage is really upset so the other two go over and ask what is wrong. He says when I grow big fat and juicy I get chopped into lots of little pieces and get eaten. And the other two are really upset for him.
The next day the penis is crying his eyes out so the cabbage and cucumber go over and ask what is wrong and he says when I get big fat and juicy I get a rubber tent shoved over my head get rammed into a dark hole and get bounced off the walls until im sick.

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red and raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (take more...