Fools rush in - and get all the best seats.
A teacher was giving a lesson about the circulation of blood. Attempting to make the subject clearer, he said to his class, "Now students, if I were to stand on my head, as you know, the blood would rush into it and I would turn red in the face."
The students all nodded in agreement.
"Then why is it that when I am standing in an upright position, the blood doesn't rush into my feet?" asked the teacher.
A student at the back of the class yelled out, "Probably because your feet aren't empty!"
New York, NY - September 2004
6: 00 PM - Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell
6: 30 PM - Pledge of Allegiance
6: 35 PM - Ceremonial Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd Amendment)
6: 45 PM - Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
6: 46 PM - Seminar #1: Katherine Harris on “Are Elections Really Necessary? ”
7: 30 PM - Announcement: Lincoln Memorial Renamed for Ronald Reagan
7: 35 PM - Trent Lott: “Re-segregation in the 21st Century”
7: 40 PM - EPA Address #1: Mercury: It’s What’s for Dinner
8: 00 PM - Vote on which country to invade next
8: 10 PM - Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
8: 15 PM - John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos Are After Your Children
8: 30 PM - Round table discussion on reproductive rights (men only)
8: 50 PM - Seminar #2: Corporations: The Government of the Future
9: 00 PM - Condi Rice sings more...
NEG FRI FRI FRI THU WED TUE
8 7 6 5 4 3 2
16 15 14 12 11 10 9
23 22 21 20 19 18 17
32 30 28 27 26 25 24
39 38 37 36 35 34 33
1. This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs. All rush jobs are needed yesterday. With this calendar, a job or project can be ordered on the 7th and delivered on the 3rd.
2. Many companies set Friday deadlines, so there are three Fridays in every week. This is also beneficial for those persons who are paid on Fridays.
3. There are eight new days added to each month, to allow for month-end panic jobs.
4. There is no 1st of the month, thus avoiding late delivery of the previous month's last-minute panic jobs.
5. Monday morning hangovers are abolished, along with non-productive Saturdays and Sundays.
6. A new day - Negotiation Day - has been introduced keeping the other days free for uninterrupted panic.
6:00 PM Opening Prayer, led by the Rev. Jerry Falwell
6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance
6:35 PM Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd amendment)
6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
6:46 PM Seminar #1: Getting your kid a military deferment
7:30 PM First Presidential Beer Bong
7:35 PM Serve Freedom Fries
7:40 PM EPA Address #1: Mercury, it's what's for dinner
8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next
8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos are after your children
8:30 PM Roundtable discussion on reproductive rights (MEN only)
8:50 PM Seminar #2: Corporations: the government of the future
9:00 PM Condi Rice sings "I Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man"
9:05 PM Second Presidential Beer Bong
9:10 PM EPA Address #2 Trees: the real cause of forest fires
9:30 PM Break for secret meetings
10:00 PM Second prayer, led by Cal Thomas
10:15 PM Lecture by Carl Rove: more...