"Republican Convention" joke

New York, NY - September 2004

6: 00 PM - Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell

6: 30 PM - Pledge of Allegiance

6: 35 PM - Ceremonial Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd Amendment)

6: 45 PM - Salute to the Coalition of the Willing

6: 46 PM - Seminar #1: Katherine Harris on “Are Elections Really Necessary? ”

7: 30 PM - Announcement: Lincoln Memorial Renamed for Ronald Reagan

7: 35 PM - Trent Lott: “Re-segregation in the 21st Century”

7: 40 PM - EPA Address #1: Mercury: It’s What’s for Dinner

8: 00 PM - Vote on which country to invade next

8: 10 PM - Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh

8: 15 PM - John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos Are After Your Children

8: 30 PM - Round table discussion on reproductive rights (men only)

8: 50 PM - Seminar #2: Corporations: The Government of the Future

9: 00 PM - Condi Rice sings “Can’t Help Lovin’ Dat Man”

9: 05 PM - Phyllis Schlafly speaks on “Why Women Shouldn’t Be Leaders”

9: 10 PM - EPA Address #2: Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires

9: 30 PM - break for secret meetings

10: 00 PM - Second Prayer led by Cal Thomas

10: 15 PM - Carl Rove Lecture: Doublespeak Made Simple

10: 30 PM - Rumsfeld Lecture/Demonstration: How to Squint and Talk Macho Even When You Feel Squishy Inside

10: 35 PM - Bush demonstration of trademark “deer in headlights” stare

10: 40 PM - John Ashcroft Demonstration: New Mandatory Kevlar Chastity Belt

10: 45 PM - GOP’s Tribute to Tokenism, featuring Colin Powell & Condi Rice

10: 46 PM - Ann Coulter’s Tribute to “Joe McCarthy, Great American Patriot”

10: 50 PM - Seminar #3: Education: A Drain on Our Nation’s Economy

11: 20 PM - John Ashcroft Lecture: Evolutionists: A Dangerous New Cult

11: 30 PM - Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again

11: 35 PM - Blame Clinton: The Answer to Everything

11: 40 PM - Newt Gingrich speaks on “The Sanctity of Marriage”

11: 41 PM - Announcement: Ronald Reagan to be added to Mt. Rushmore

11: 50 PM - Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself

12: 00 PM - Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord