Cucumber Jokes / Recent Jokes

There was a Cucumber a pickle and a penice.
The cucumber said i have it bad when i get big fat am juicy i get cut up and put in a salade.
The pickle says no no no i have it bad when i get big fat and juicy i get put in a jar with diffrent spices.
The penice is like yeah when i get big fat an juicy i get a tarp put on my head and stuck in a DARK room and i have to do push ups until i get sick through up and i pass out.
lol

There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid.
She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of having sex, she turned on the lights.
She looked down and saw her husband was holding a cucumber. She gets completely upset.
"You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years. You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly " I am going to be able to explain the cucumber, a lot easier than you are going to be able to explain our three kids."

There's this cucumber that's dating this tomato.
the tomato says to the cucumber; "i don't really like you."
so the cucumber replies; "that's ok, 'cuz you're not my type!"
*note-this joke works especially well on irritating telephone solicitors*

Three nuns went to a cucumber stand in an open market one day.They asked how much the cucumbers were. The merchant said thatthey were 4 for a dollar. The nuns said okay.The puzzled merchant asked why they needed four cucumbers whenthere were only three of them.A nun answered back, "Well, we could alway eat one."

You can enjoy a cucumber all night long.
You don't have to drink wine and dine with a cucumber before getting to the fun stuff.
Your cucumber will always wait patiently for you in the car while you go shopping.
When your cucumber goes soft you toss it.
Cucumbers can't tell time, so they don't know when you're late.
A cucumber doesn't get jealous when you grab another cucumber (or even a carrot!)
When you go to the grocery store, you can always pick up a cucumber.
A cucumber won't get upset if you come home with another cucumber on your breath (or a fresh leafy vegetable in your pocket).
If you eat a cucumber right, you always have a mouthful.
You can have more than one cucumber a night and not feel guilty (they're low in calories)
A cucumber always goes down easy.
You can share a cucumber with friends.
You always know when you're the first one to eat a cucumber.
A cucumber is always hard.
You can have a cucumber in public
A more...

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse more...

How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing robe and towel on head. If you happen to see husband along the way, ignore juvenile "turban-head" jokes and run to bathroom.

3. Look at womanly physique in mirror and stick out stomach so as to complain about how fat you're getting.

4. Turn on hot water only.

5. Get in the shower, once you've found it through all the steam.

6. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

7. Wash hair once with cucumber and lemon shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

8. Rinse hair. Condition your hair with cucumber and lemon conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

9. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red and raw.

10. Try to wash entire rest of body with Ginger more...