Two blondes walk into a bar. You'd think at least one of them would've seen it.
A young girl is walking up the stairs in a church just as the priest is walking by. He looks up and is shocked to see the girl isn't wearing any panties.
He calls to the girl, gives her $25 and says, "Young lady, it's not proper to walk around without any panties on. Take this money and buy yourself some panties."
The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her to buy some panties for her. The mother asks her daughter where she got the money from and the girl explains what happened.
After learning how her daughter got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, puts on the shortest skirt she has and runs to the church.
As soon as she sees the priest approaching, she starts to walk up the stairs. The priest notices her and calls her down.
Not wanting the priest to think she's expecting anything, she calmly walks back down the stairs to where he is waiting.
The priest hands the woman $1 and says, "Lady, take more...
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father. 1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, takeout 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell thepharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up thepaper. Read it for the last time. 2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack ofpatience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve theirchild's sleeping habits, more...
How to Shower Like a Woman 1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups 4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone. 5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. 6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. 7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes. 8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. 9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. 10. Rinse conditioner off hair. 11. Shave armpits and legs. 12. Turn off shower. 13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. 14. Get out of shower. Dry more...
A Scottish man was at a baseball game.
It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the plate, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run!"
This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into the game.
The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run, Man, rrrun!"
Everyone around him started laughing so the Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. The fan sitting next to the Scotsman noticed his embarrassment, so he leaned over and explained, "He can't run because he got four balls."
The Scotsman immediately stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man! Walk with pride!"