Commit Jokes / Recent Jokes

Beer and the quotes it has helped create over the years...
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
-Frank Sinatra
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
-William Butler Yeats
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
-Ernest Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
-Ernest Hemingway
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
-Dean Martin
Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
-Anonymous
No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink.
-G.K. Chesterton
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
-Catherine Zandonella
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
-Ambrose more...

The Top 16 Ways to Commit Suicide After the Stock Market Crash

16> Sit under Hong Kong Finance Minister's window. Wait.

15> Rub together the two pennies you still have left to create a spark to ignite the alcohol vapors emanating from you.

14> The' Death of a Thousand Self-Inflicted Paper Cuts' from worthless stock certificates.

13> Show up at the Million Woman March in your Al Jolson makeup.

12> Go to White House. Place life-size cutouts of Chinese millionaires in lawn. Stand behind door and wait.

11> Enter the nearest Starbucks and declare that you've been appointed Chief of the Slacker Police.

10> Five words: Dr. Kevorkian, Certified Financial Planner

9> Borrow $50,000 from Vinnie The Shark and invest it all in John Denver Aeronautics.

8> Find Jim Harbaugh, then tell him he's a weenie *and* his stocks tanked.

7> Hold a' Communists for the Deportation of Livan Hernandez' more...

A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her index finger shot off. How did this happen? The doctor asked. ”Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the Blonde replied. ”Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger? ”
"No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, I just paid $6, 000 for these boobs. Then I put it in my mouth and thought, I just paid $3, 000 to get my teeth straightened.
Then I put the gun in my ear, and thought this is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger. ”

How does the blonde girl commit suicide? She jumps out her basement window

An old man was a witness in a burglary case.
The defense lawyer asked Sam, “Did you see my client commit this burglary? ”
“Yes, ” said Sam, “I saw him plainly take the goods. ”
The lawyer asks Sam again, “Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my
client commit this crime? ”
“Yes, ” says Sam, “I saw him do it. ”
Then the lawyer asks Sam, “Sam, listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night? ”
Sam says, “I can see the moon, how far is that? ”

A blonde hurried into the hospital emergency room late one night with the
tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?," the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor? "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off
the tip of your finger?"

"No, silly!" the blonde said. "First, I put the gun to my chest, and I
thought,' I just paid $6, 000 for these; I'm not shooting myself in the
chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought,' I just paid $3, 000 to get
my teeth straightened; I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So, then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought' This is going to make a loud
noise, so I put my finger in the other ear before I more...

This is supposed to be a true story. don't ask me if it really is.

1994's MOST BIZARRE SUICIDE

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for
Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience
in
San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the
story.

On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus
and
concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent
had
jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide
(he
left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth
floor, his
life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed
him
instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety
net
had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window
washers and
that Opus would not have more...