Myself Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Once there were 3 guys, a Cuban, an American, and an Italian. So they worked together, and it was lunch time, so the American opens his lunch box and sees peanut-butter and jelly sandwich and he says, "If I get a peanut-butter jelly sandwich one more time I'm going to kill myself."
    Then the Italian opens his lunch box and sees spaghetti and he says, "If I get spaghetti one more time I'm going to kill myself."
    Lastly, the Cuban opens his lunch and sees black beans and he says, "If I get black beans one more time, I'm going to to do the same.
    The next day the all open their lunch boxes, and the Cuban sees black beans again, so he kills himself, then the Italian sees spaghetti again, so he kills himself also. Lastly, the American sees peanut-butter and jelly sandwich again so he kills himself too.
    Then, at the funeral, their wifes are talking and the American wife says "Oh..! he should at least told me about his lunch, that way he wouldn't more...

    Attempted Suicide

    Hot 4 years ago

    A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
    "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
    "Well I was trying to commit suicide" the blonde replied.
    "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off???"
    "No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest.
    "So then?" asked the doctor.
    "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
    "So then?"
    "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

    Suicidal Blonde

    Hot 6 years ago

    A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
    "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
    "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
    "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"
    "No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
    "So then?" asked the doctor.
    "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
    "So then?"
    "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

    Sin of Vanity

    Hot 4 years ago

    Kneeling in the confessional, the girl said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
    "What is it, child?" the priest asked.
    "I have committed the sin of vanity, Father," she replied. "Numerous times a day, I gaze upon myself in the mirror and tell myself how gorgeous I am."
    The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "I have good news for you, my child. That isn't a sin... it's merely a mistake."

    Pondering old age

    Hot 6 years ago

    How do I know that my youth is all spent?
    Well, my get up and go has got up and went.
    But in spite of it all I am able to grin
    when I recall where my get up has been.
    Old age is golden-so I've heard it said-
    but sometimes I wonder when I get into bed,
    with my ears in a drawer and my teeth in a cup,
    my eyes on the table until I wake up.
    Ere sleep dims my eyes I say to myself,
    "Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?"
    And I'm happy to say as I close my door,
    my friends are the same, perhaps even more.
    When I was young, my slippers were red,
    I could pick up my heels right over my head.
    When I grew older, my slippers were blue,
    but still I could dance the whole night through.
    But now I am old, my slippers are black,
    I walk to the store and puff my way back.
    The reason I know my youth is all spent,
    my get up and go has got up and went.
    But I really don't mind when I more...

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