Belt Jokes / Recent Jokes
Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
There was a macho type of guy who went to the hardware store and bought a leather tool belt and a lot of tools to go with it. Like any good tool belt it weighed about 100 lbs when fully decked out.
The fella decided to take the belt out for a spin and was working out in his yard when all of a sudden the tool belt ended up around his ankles taking his pants with it. So here is our guy all of a sudden mooning the world bare-assed naked in his back yard.
All of a sudden there is a tremendous clap of thunder and a lightning bolt came down out of the heavens and carved a perfect 5 on each cheek of his posterior. The fella was very excited, but not nearly as excited as his wife who decided that this was a sign from above and proceeded to put their life savings into lottery tickets betting on the number 55.
That evening the drawing was held and you can imagine their excitment when the first number drawn was a 5. Immediately thereafter the last two numbers came out... 0... 5. more...
Requirements for 11th Degree Black Belt
Master of Judo
Well before testing for this rank any experienced Judo teacher should have already learned these basic techniques:
Escape from Dojo
The quick exit to avoid clean up and helping with the mats.
Sleeper Stance
Standing at the corner of the dojo pretending to be observing the students as they sweat with exhaustion.
Sigh of Wisdom
Sudden, forceful exhalation when a beginning student unexpectedly survives a dangerous body slam without injury.
Crossing Fingers
A hopeful posture used when uke has been choked unconscious.
Gift of Instruction
The act of taking credit whenever a student wins a tournament or performs a technique correctly.
Seeing Without Seeing
The dazed look of amazement given to the student who asks a stupid question.
Kuchi Waza (mouth more...
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.
4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, more...
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out
furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
4. There may be 50 ways to leave more...
I gave out a list of some gifts I would like to have from' Old Santa' to my six children & their families. One of the items listed was a belt, size 48-50 (I am of ample proportions). The following is a true story told to me by my son-in-law last night.
He and my 7 year old grandson were out looking at gifts last week and my son-in-law told John to go look for a belt - size 48- 50. A little later John came back with the longest belt he found (size 44). Jack told him to take it back and get one 48-50. John came back a second time, again with the largest belt he could find (size 46). Jack told him again to get a size 48-50!
Whereupon John asked,' Dad do they really make cows that long?'