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Your mama so fat that she has to wear traintracks for a belt!

A guy is speeding down a highway and he gets pulled over. The cop says, "You were speeding."
The guy says, "No I wasn't, I was just going slow."
The guy's wife in the Passenger seat says, "No officer, He was speeding the whole time."
The guy glares at his wife and says, "Shut up!"
The cop says, "I see your seat belt is off. May I ask why?"
The guy says, "Well I saw you were gonna pull me over and you were gonna ask for my license, so I took it off and got it out."
The guy's wife says, "No officer. He has had the seat belt off the whole time."
The guy says to his wife, "What is wrong with you?"
The cop leans over to the wife and asks, "Is he always this mean to you?"
The wife says, "Only when he's drunk."

A man is speeding down the freeway when he's stopped by a police car and has to pull over.
"Do you realize you were doing 90 m.p.h. in a 60 m.p.h. zone, sir?" asks the policeman.
"That's impossible, sir, I never break the speed limit," replies the driver.
The driver's wife butts in and says, "Yes, you do, I'm always telling you to keep your speed down."
The policeman says, "I also noticed, sir, that you didn't have your seat belt on. You put it on as I was walking up to your car."
That is not true, sir; I always wear my seat belt," replies the driver.
"No, you don't, I'm always telling you to put your seat belt on," says the driver's wife.
"Dammit, woman!" the driver explodes, "Can't you, just for once, keep that big, fat trap of yours shut?!"
The policeman is a bit shocked by how the driver is speaking to his wife, so he moves around to her side of the car. "Does he often more...

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.
The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60 perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, more...

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a l lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was equally intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."