Alert Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    JehovaScript

    Hot 3 years ago

    The next generation embeddable scripting language for the web!
    JehovaScript (JS) is a powerful language with many advantages over
    current scripting systems. Its features include active alerts, a
    miracle system and error-collection. Rather than being defined as
    DOM-compliant, object-oriented or nth-generation, JS is
    Buzzword-Compliant, so your place at the forefront of technology is
    guaranteed regardless of trend-changes in the world of computing.
    Main features
    Miracles
    Each run of a JS program is entitled to three miracles. This allows
    you to deal gracefully with unexpected problems: you can create the
    needed RAM if memory allocation fails, or temporarily change the
    user's browser if the current browser does not support a certain
    feature of the language.
    Polymorphic constants
    Rather than create specialized logic for different situations, you can
    change the interpreters beliefs about constants. For example, the more...

    Why Men Oversleep

    Hot 6 years ago

    BRAIN - SYSTEM: Attention. Alert registered.
    CENTRAL: Alert? Number One, report!
    NUMBER ONE: Sir! We're picking up loud music.
    CENTRAL: Music? We were just asleep!
    NUMBER ONE: Yes sir. Ears report it's "The Last Train to Clarksville."
    CENTRAL: Good lord, are we being tortured?
    NUMBER ONE: Sir, Eyes are functional and request instruction.
    CENTRAL: Tell them to open up and try to find out what is going on.
    NUMBER ONE: Scope! Okay, I see darkness... darkness... Wait, there's a
    woman sleeping there.
    CENTRAL: A woman?
    NUMBER ONE: Sir, Libido Station wants to know if it is Anna Kournikova.
    CENTRAL: Forget about Libido. What can you tell me?
    NUMBER ONE: Sir, Memory reports a near perfect match to "wife," sir.
    CENTRAL: Well of course. Keep looking.
    NUMBER ONE: Sir, urgent report from Stomach on the horn, do you want to take it?
    CENTRAL: Stomach, what's going on?
    STOMACH: Sir, we've taken a more...

    *** VIRUS ALERT ***
    If you receive an email entitled "Fighting Canaries," delete it immediately. Do not open it! It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
    It demagnetises the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
    It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
    It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
    It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number.
    This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
    It will drink all your beer.
    It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
    Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.
    It will replace your shampoo more...

    Actual writings on hospital charts ("Actual"? Mmmm...)
    She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night
    Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year
    On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared
    The patient is tearful and crying constsntly. She also appears to be depressed
    The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993
    Discharge status: Alive but without my permission
    Healthy appearing decrepit 68 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful
    The patient refused autopsy
    The patient has no previous history of suicides
    Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital
    Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the last 3 days
    Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch
    She is numb from her toes down
    While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and more...

    Actual writings on hospital charts by Doctors:
    1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
    2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
    3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
    4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
    5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
    6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
    7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert butforgetful.
    8. The patient refused autopsy.
    9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
    10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
    11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
    12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
    13. She is numb from her toes more...

  • Recent Activity