"Santa Letter Generator" joke

Kids! Too busy to sit down and write an old-fashioned letter to
Santa? Have no fear! This handy-dandy interweb doo-dad can do
the heavy lifting for you!

Dear...... [Santa Claus] [Saint Nicolas] [Father Christmas]
[Pagan Troll] [Obese Trespassing Altruist] [Satan Claus - Devourer
of Children's Souls],
This year, I have been a very...... [good] [bad] [materialistic]
[passive aggressive] [manipulative] [Ritalin-addled] little......
[boy] [girl] [TV watcher] [advertising tampon]. I have......
[not] [sometimes] [compulsively]. ..... [lied] [cheated]
[embezzled] [pillaged] [murdered], and I have...... [always]
[often] [rarely] [never] helped my...... [mommy] [daddy] [grandma]
[grandpa] [brother] [sister] [mommy's "special friend"] [other
daddy] with their...... [chores] [homework] [taxes] [pyramid
schemes] [colostomy bag]. And I always say thank you, which makes
me...... [nice] [polite] [seem like I care] and so I deserve lots
of...... [love] [presents] [blank checks] [age-inappropriate pants]
this year!
Please bring all this stuff for me and the people in my life For
my mommy, please bring...... [perfume] [earrings] [Valium] [fruit
leather panties] [the onset of menopause] [daddy's testicles in a
vise]. For my daddy, please bring a new...... [neck tie] [razor]
[money clip] [dead-end job] [Rogaine prescription] [topaz-studded
ass plug]. For my...... [big] [little]...... [brother] [sister],
please bring......[a soccer ball] [fingernail polish] [Legos]
[GI Joe] [Barbie] [methadone] [Newport Lights 100's] [a diaphragm]
[a subscription to Guns & Ammo]. For my...... [doggy] [hamster]
[ferret], please bring...... [a chew toy] [a cableknit sweater]
[kibble] [breath mints] [a homeopathic heartworm remedy] [non-
surgical sterilization]. Oh and for my...... [baby sitter]
[mail man] [cleaning lady] [pool boy] [case worker], please bring
some...... [fruit cake] [coupons] [worthless tchotchkes] [work
ethic].
Now about me! Please bring me all of the...... [Harry Potter]
[Scooby Doo] [Spider Man] [Star Wars] [Spongebob Squarepants]
[Anna Nicole Smith]...... [action figures] [videos] [breakfast
cereal] [pajamas] [sheets] [beer coozies] [toilet paper], and
front row tickets to...... [Eminem] [Britney Spears] [Aaron
Carter] [Mary-Kate and Ashley] [GWAR] [Philip Glass] plus
backstage passes so I can get...... [autographs] [behind the
scenes] [coked up] [airborne chlamydia]! Oh, and please don’t
forget to bring my...... [pool] [go-kart] [jet-ski] [pony]
[Lamborghini Diablo VT 6. 0] [amputee Afghan orphan]. But if you
can't, just remember that more than anything Santa, what I really
really want is just...... [$100] [$1000] [$10, 000] [$100, 000]
[$1, 000, 000] [$10, 000, 000] [$100, 000, 000]!
Anyway, I hope you like the...... [cookies] [cake] [pudding]
[Jell-O] [meatloaf] [cognac] [eight-ball] I left out for you.
[Love],
[Sincerely],
[Yours],
[Breathlessly],
[ insert name here ]
PS Please say...... [hi] [hello] [Merry Christmas] to......
[Rudolph] [Mrs. Claus] [the baby Jesus] [Ralph, the heartless
Elfin slavemaster].
PPS Oh yeah, and remember [insert name here]? [He] [She] has been
a really......[naughty] [selfish] [corrupt] [perverted]
[homicidal]...... [dork] [weener] [cry-baby] [coprophile]
[vivisection] hobbyist all year long and doesn't deserve any
Christmas presents. So please don’t forget to put...... [coal]
[sticks] [homework] [dog shit] [ebola] in their stocking.
Thanks!