Claus Jokes

Santa on Trial
You are accused, Mr. Santa Claus, alias Saint Nick, alias Kris Kringle, age unknown, of no fixed abode, with the following charges:
Failing to apply for landed immigrant status from Finland to the North Pole
Crossing the Canadian-USA border illegally on December 25 of each year as far back as records go
Failing to operate a union toy shop, and not paying your elves and dwarfs the minimum wage, provide paid vacations and wages at time and a half for more than 40 hour work weeks, or meeting the standards of the Worker's Compensation Boards Failing to transmit unemployment insurance payments, income tax deductions and Canada Pension payments to the proper authorities on behalf of your employees
You are accused of the illegal entry of millions of Canadian homes on December 25 of each year
Violating the Federal Anti-Combines Investigation Act by operating a tight monopoly
Failing to file a flight plan for your travels
Failing to equip your more...

What did Santa Claus's wife say during a thunderstorm?
'Come and look at the rain, dear.'

There is absolutely NO way Santa is female. Here's why:
First, Christmas would be late every year. The line at the department store would never move because Santa would feel the need to "bond" with every kid that sat on her lap. The elves would never get any toys made because they'd be too busy telling her, "No Santa, those red pants do not make you look fat."
What woman would be caught dead in a chimney? Gosh, she might break a nail in there. Also, men don't care if they would get covered with ashes and soot while sliding down the chimney.
And what about Santa's beard? I'm sure you'll agree that most women look significantly better without facial hair. Besides, she-Santa would not go out without makeup.
If Santa was female, she sure wouldn't have white hair. And she would never wear a hat because it would mess up her hair.
The tradition is for cookies and milk to be left for Santa on Christmas Eve. If Santa were a woman, the tradition more...

Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Sweating his fat away
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Water-skis on his sleigh
Never have a white Christmas
When you in Melbourne live
Wearing hot pants on the beach
When you your presents give
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Sweating his fat away
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Water-skis on his sleigh
Chestnuts roasting on the sidewalk
Castles in the sand
Eating ice-cream, having good talks
Warm Christmas, isn't that grand?

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.