1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
8. Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.
9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are more...
A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with an IRS tax auditor who was reviewing the man's records.
At one point, the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Johnston, we feel it is a great privilege to be permitted to live and work in the United States. As a citizen, you are obliged to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."
"Thank goodness," replied Mr. Johnston, grinning ear to ear. "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."
The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that it was bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of the civil rights of children. An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge stated that, "Mr. Claus has been violating children's right to privacy and has been putting that information in a vast database. The information is then used by the law enforcement arm of Mr. Claus' organization to determine which children are considered naughty or nice. It is obvious Mr. Claus has violated the children's rights, as we have alleged in our suit, because of the memos and other company information we have obtained. In addition, we believe Mr. Claus has been engaging in mind control experiments designed to prevent the free expression of beliefs."
Among the documents presented to the courts today was a memo in which reads, in part:
You better watch out.
You better not cry.
You better not pout.
I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is coming to town.
He sees more...
(This letter is supposed to be true, and from the files of a "national tax preparation company". It is apparently a copy of a letter to the IRS that was written in response to a rejection of dependents claimed).
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction of 2 of the 3 dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax Return. THANK YOU! I have questioned whether these are my children for years; they are evil and expensive.
THIS YEAR THEY ARE YOURS! It's only fair since they are minor and not my responsibility, and the government apparently knows something about them. You MAY wish to apply next year to re-assign them to me and reinstate the deduction.
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant, just ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office, where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should more...
A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records.At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carelton, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile.""Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carelton, with a giant grin on his face, "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."