Scientist Jokes / Recent Jokes
A successful scientist was on his way to a seminar where he was supposed to give a lecture on his new breakthrough in research. His chauffeur saw his tired look and felt sorry for him.
"Sir, why don't you take the day off today", he said, "I've heard your lecture so many times by now I know it by heart. I can give the lecture and you can just sit back and relax."
The scientist thought this was a great idea, since he was sick and tired of giving the exact same lecture over and over again.
When they arrived at the seminar the scientist put on the chauffeur's hat and seated himself in the back of the lecture hall. His trusted chauffeur walked to the podium and gave an excellent lecture showing at least as much confidence as the scientist would.
At the end of the lecture the chauffeur asked, just as his master always does, "Are there any questions?"
One of the professors in the hall stood up and asked a long question about a very more...
A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant.
His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce.
The outraged lawyer says, "This is a rip-off how come the lawyer brains are so expensive?"
The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"
There was a scientist who wanted to see how smart kids were before they went to kindergarten.
He blind-folded them and gave them a lime lifesaver to eat. He asked them if they knew what kind it was.
"Lime" they all replied
"Very good!" the scientist said "What about this one?" He gave them a honey flavored one and asked them if they knew what it was but no one knew.
"C'mon!" he said "It's what your mommy calls your daddy"
All of the sudden one kid spits it out and yells out "EVERYBODY SPIT IT OUT - THEY'RE A$$HOLES!"
A small group of scientists had spent an enlightening week on Mars, comparing life there with our own.
"Tell me," one Earth scientist asked his Martian counterpart, "just how do you reproduce the species here on this planet?"
"I shall be pleased to demonstrate," replied the leader of the Martian group, and he called forth a voluptuous Martian beauty with three heads. They then engaged their tentacles for a few moments, and almost at once a small pouch began to form on the female's back; it grew, and within little more than a minute, it opened up very much like a blooming flower and a small Martian dropped out, as fully developed as the adults, but much smaller, and began scampering about the room.
Once the Earth scientists had recovered from this unexpected experience, they attempted to explain how procreation differs in our world. The Martians insisted upon being shown, and after unsuccessful attempts to dissuade them, the chief scientist more...
A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a
photo-safari in Africa. They drive out on the savanna in their jeep, stop and
scout the horizon with their binoculars.
The biologist: "Look! There is a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle, a
white zebra! It is fantastic! There are white zebras! We will be famous!"
The statistician: "It is not significant. We only know there is one white
The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is white
on one side."
The computer scientist: "Oh, no! A special case!"
A chemist, a mechanical engineer and a computer scientist are passing through a vast desert in a car when suddenly the engine breaks down.
"There must have been some sudden increase of enthalpy in the cylinder", the chemist says.
"Nonsense, the fan-belt has broken", the engineer replies.
After thinking a while the computer scientist suggests: "Let's get out and in again, that should do."
A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.
"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me 1 dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get 10 dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while.
"I know. What has three legs, takes 10 hours to climb up a palm tree, and 10 seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out 10 dollars and gives it to the farmer.
"I don't know. What has 3 legs, takes 10 hours to get up a palm tree and 10 seconds to get back down?" The farmer takes the 10 dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out 1 dollar and hands it to the scientist.
"I don't know."