Assume Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Hot 1 year ago

    Bar Joke
    Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit
    Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
    Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
    Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in
    here!
    The argument repeats itself until they are all drunk. Dave goes to the toilet.
    On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
    Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder .
    >>
    Dave: - 'Scuse me... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
    Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
    Dave: - Oh! What's that then?
    Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?
    Dave: - Er... mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
    Suit: - Well, it's more...

    Redneck Joke

    Hot 3 years ago

    Two rednecks decided they weren't going anywhere in life, and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
    The first redneck went in to see the counselor, who told him to take Math, History, and Logic.
    "What's Logic?" the first redneck asked. The professor answered by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "I sure do." said the first redneck.
    "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
    "That's real good!" said the redneck.
    The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
    Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazin!"
    "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife," continued the professor.
    "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on.
    "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are more...

    I.
    Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding -glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)II.
    Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.III.
    Use the element of surprise. more...

    Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one
    club and two balls.
    Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
    Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
    keep the balls out.
    For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
    owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
    Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
    damage to the hole.
    Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
    the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result
    in being denied permission to play again.
    It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately
    upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire
    the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and
    bunkers.
    Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have
    played or are currently playing more...

    I. Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding -glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
    II. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
    III. Use the element of surprise. Pick more...

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