Sample Jokes / Recent Jokes

Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average.

Statistically speaking, in China, even if you are a one in a million kind of guy, there are a thousand more just like you.

Did you know that 87. 166253% of all statistics claim a precision of results that is not justified by the method employed?

One out of every four people is suffering from some form of mental illness.
Check three friends. If they're OK, then it's you.

It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest.

Here are the results of our drug testing study on rabbits: 1/3 of the sample died; 1/3 of the sample survived; the other one ran away.

With one foot in a bucket of ice water, and one foot in a bucket of boiling water, you are, on the average, comfortable.

Police in Ohio USA became suspicious of a man, providing them with a urine sample for a drug test, after officers noticed the sample was cold. They were even more astounded to find that the laboratory analysis indicated that the man was also very pregnant.
A Canadian police force drove a second hand patrol car around the city for over a year before finding out that it was actually a stolen vehicle.
A salesman in Australia sold over 5,000 tickets for a Conway Twitty concert before realising the singer died five years ago. Now he has had to refund all the disappointed fans their money.
An Australian expert in social skills, who believes in the power of a firm handshake, is being sued after breaking the fingers of four of his victims.
A Buddhist monk in Cambodia has been thrown out after he was caught singing in a karaoke bar in the city.
French fire fighters were called to deal with a fire in the engine of a delivery truck, which was loaded with fire more...

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar." "Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm too drunk to do that!"

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says,' 'Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.''

The man says,' 'Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack.''

''Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.''

''I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death.''' 'Well, then, we need a urine sample.''

''I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar.''

''All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.''

''I can't do that, officer.''' 'Why not?''' 'Because I'm drunk.''

Tennis Elbow
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Don't have to spend that kind of money, " Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be more...

The CEO arrived for his appointment with the urologist who informed him he'd need a sperm sample. The doctor told him to go into room four. When he entered the room, he was floored by two gorgeous, topless women. With a smile, they beckoned him to a table, undressed him, then began to stimulated him to the largest emission of his life.
With a smile and a huge sperm sample, the CEO walked out of the room. Realizing he had to take a leak, he opened to door to what he thought was the bathroom and closed it quickly when he realized he'd made a mistake, since there was a guy in there whacking off to a beat up copy of Hustler. He opened a second door and saw a guy getting off to a Playboy centerfold
Just then the doctor came down the hall. The CEO gestured to the rooms with magzines and said, "What's with those guys?"
The doctor said, "Them... they're just my Medicaid patients."

Men should ace this test. .. women may have a little difficulty. There IS a code of "Restroom Etiquette" that MUST be followed. =============================================== The following is the urinal configuration in a sample men's room. An X above the number will indicate "in use." (Sample): | | | x | | | x | (Indicates that urinals 3 and 6 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | are occupied.) ------------------------- You are to identify correctly, based on urinal etiquette, at which stall you are to correctly stand. Good luck! -------------------- Easy Section -------------------- 1.) | | x | | x | | | (Urinals 2 and 4 occupied.) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ------------------------- Your choice: ___ ----------------------------------------------------------------- Correct answer: 6 It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy instinctively knows this. =============================================== 2.) | x | | | | | | (Urinal 1 occupied.) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | more...