Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again
One day Pete was complaining to his friend "my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor".
His friend said "Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird noise and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water,
avoid heavy labour,
it will be better in two weeks.
Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.
He mixed some tap water, a stool more...
Santa on Trial
You are accused, Mr. Santa Claus, alias Saint Nick, alias Kris Kringle, age unknown, of no fixed abode, with the following charges:
Failing to apply for landed immigrant status from Finland to the North Pole
Crossing the Canadian-USA border illegally on December 25 of each year as far back as records go
Failing to operate a union toy shop, and not paying your elves and dwarfs the minimum wage, provide paid vacations and wages at time and a half for more than 40 hour work weeks, or meeting the standards of the Worker's Compensation Boards Failing to transmit unemployment insurance payments, income tax deductions and Canada Pension payments to the proper authorities on behalf of your employees
You are accused of the illegal entry of millions of Canadian homes on December 25 of each year
Violating the Federal Anti-Combines Investigation Act by operating a tight monopoly
Failing to file a flight plan for your travels
Failing to equip your more...
Two nuns were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes, when one said "It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them."
The second nun said "I've found a marvelous invention called the condom, which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later!" The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them. "You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the pharmacist for them."
The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter. "Good morning sister", said the pharmacist. "What can I do for you today?" "I'd like some condoms please" said the nun. The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked: "How many boxes more...
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early, and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom, and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"
"Yes, I am," said the officer.
"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"