Pickle Jokes / Recent Jokes

This couple comes to a new town and the guy gets a job at the local pickle factory. After a week he is employee of the week... after a month he knows his job so well that he becomes employee of the month. A few years go by and each year he wins the employee of the year award.
One day in his 3rd year, he comes home looking all depressed. His wife asks him what the matter is, to which he responds that he got fired.
"FIRED! How can you get fired, you're always employee of the week, month and year."
To this he responds that he had another fantasy that he needed to fulfill and it got him fired. "Oh no, not again! What did you do this time?" she asks.
"Well, I always fantasized about sticking my willy in the pickle slicer."
"You didn't!?" she asks.
"Well, yes I did."
Then she asks, "Did it hurt?"
"No not really."
Puzzled she then asks, "Well what happened to the pickle more...

Every pickle you eat brings you nearer to death.
Amazingly, the "thinking man" has failed to grasp the terrifying significance of the term, "in a pickle." Although leading horticulturists have long known that Cucmis sativus possesses an indehiscent pepo, the pickle industry continues to expand.
Pickles are associated with all the major diseases of the body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten pickles. The effects are obviously cumulative:
99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten pickles.
100% of all soldiers have eaten pickles.
96.9 % of all Communist sympathizers have eaten pickles.
99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate pickles within 6 months preceding the accident.
93.1% of juvenile delinquents came from homes where pickles were served frequently.
Evidence points to the long-term effects of pickle eating: Of all the people born in 1839 who later dined on pickles, there has been a 100% more...

Ed was employed at a pickle factory. After working there for a number of years, he came home one day and confessed to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. Hearing this, his wife suggested he see a sex therapist to talk about it. Ed told her that he would be much too embarrassed, but vowed to overcome his complusion on his own.
A few weeks later, Ed came home looking very ashen. His wife could tell immediately that something was seriously wrong. "Ed, what's wrong?" she asked.
"Remember I told you how I had this overwhelming urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" he asked. "Ed, you didn't!!" his wife said. "Yes, I did." Ed said.
"My God, Ed, what happened?" she asked. "I got fired," replied Ed.
"No, Ed. What I mean is, what happened with the pickle slicer?" his wife asked.
"Oh, well she got fired too!"

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confessed to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, she got fired too."

Montreal Gazette's Top 50 Jokes from the 1999 Just For Laughs festival. -----------------------------------------------------------------1. (On going to war over religion:) You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend. 2. I used to smoke pot until I came to the conclusion... what was that conclusion, anyway? 3. (On the difference between men and women:) On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars. 4. Women like posh hotels; there's more for them to steal. Take them to a posh hotel and they all turn into the Artful Dodger. 5. And God said, "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything onSatan." 6. What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? "Hold my purse." 7. The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you're got millions more...

there was a cucmber and pickle talking the paickle said to the cucmber when i get big and juicy they season me and put me in a jar the pickle said when i get big and juicy the sliceme up and put me in a sandwich a penis waswalking past and said thatb nothing when i get big and juicy they put aplastic bag over my head stick me in a dark smelly room and make me do press ups untill ifell sick p.s if u want more just txt on 07837060066

There was a Cucumber a pickle and a penice.
The cucumber said i have it bad when i get big fat am juicy i get cut up and put in a salade.
The pickle says no no no i have it bad when i get big fat and juicy i get put in a jar with diffrent spices.
The penice is like yeah when i get big fat an juicy i get a tarp put on my head and stuck in a DARK room and i have to do push ups until i get sick through up and i pass out.
lol