Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.
He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction
on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they
would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go for me carrying on like
that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after
that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they
lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because
he had to walk. On is way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma
of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill
affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had
three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he "putt-putted". more...
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society..
DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of
PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little" accidents.
COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. * Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts more...
A young man went to a house to pick up his blind date. The girl wasn't quite ready, so her father invited the lad to sit on the couch and wait. Dad sat in his easy chair and proceeded to read his newspaper, while the family dog, Rover, jumped onto the couch and sniffed out the stranger.
Suddenly, the young man felt the urge to fart and didn't know what to do, however, since the dog was nearby, he decided to squeak it out and feign innocence.
"Brrroough," went the fart! Dad peered over his newspaper and said, "Rover! Get off that couch!"
The young man was relieved. Obviously, Dad thought Rover had done the deed. Soon, another fart rumbled in the young man's guts, and he let it rip, assured that Rover would once again be blamed.
Sure enough, Dad peered over his newspaper and said more sharply, "Rover! I said get off the couch!"
Happily, the young man decided that he could fart whenever the urge arose and he let yet another one more...
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confessed to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, she got fired too."
Communications Decency Act
The government of the United States has passed a law which makes it a crime to transmit indecent materials over the Internet. As a citizen of this great country I plan to fully comply with that law.
From now on, whenever I get the urge to use an offensive word in e-mail I will substitute the name of an offensive politician. I urge you to do the same.
The beauty of this approach is that they can't easily ban these new naughty words without changing their own names. I know I could get in trouble for suggesting such a thing, but I don't give a flying Buchanan what they think. And if they don't like it they can come over here and kiss my Gingrich.