Patrons Jokes / Recent Jokes

This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a more...

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth when the doctor came in and informed the new dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son had only a head! But the dad loved his son anyway, and raised him as well as he could, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son was old enough for his first drink. Dad took him to the bar and tearfully told the son he was proud of him. Then Dad ordered up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso popped out of the bottom of the son's head! The bar was deadly silent; then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons began chanting, "Take another drink!" The bartender stood still, shaking his head in amazement.
Swoooop! Two arms popped out. The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, cried for his son more...

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth when the doctor came in and informed the new dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs.

The son had only a head! But the dad loved his son anyway, and raised him as well as he could, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son was old enough for his first drink. Dad took him to the bar and tearfully told the son he was proud of him. Then Dad ordered up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso popped out of the bottom of the son's head! The bar was deadly silent; then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons began chanting, "Take another drink!" The bartender stood still, shaking his head in amazement.

Swoooop! Two arms popped out. The bar went wild. The father, crying more...

Three guys go into a bar: a guy from Dallas, a guy from San Francisco, and a guy from Boulder. They drank and got a little rowdy. Suddenly, completely without warning, the Texan grabbed a bottle of tequila, unscrewed the top, took a good swig, and threw the bottle into the air. He then jerked a Colt. 45 pistol out of his pocket and shot the bottle, spraying tequila all over everything and everybody. The patrons at the bar shouted, “Hey, bud, why’d you waste that tequila? ” The Texan said, “Heck, it’s just tequila. Us Texans go across the border all the time and get all the tequila we want. ” Not to be outdone, the Californian whipped out a corkscrew and uncorked a bottle of wine. He poured some into a glass, swirled it, sniffed, commented on the tart insolence of its bouquet, sipped, tossed the bottle in the air, nicked it with a round from a silly little chrome-plated pistol, and showered a couple of patrons at the bar with wine. The patrons, upset by the casual waste and more...

2 cops are sitting in their car outside of a local bar. They were waiting to see if anyone would drive home drunk. A guy stumbles out, obviously drunk out of his mind. He falls down flat on his face.
5 bar patrons leave the bar. The cops don't care about the other patrons, they are just waiting for him to start up his car. He falls again on his face.
5 more patrons leave the bar. Finally the drunk stumbles to his car door and opens it up and sits inside.
6 patrons leave the bar. Finally the drunk starts up his car but before he could move the cops are on him sticking a breathalyzer in his face.
He takes the test and passes with blood alcohol level of 0.00. The cops are pissed and asked him what the hell he was doing.
The drunk replies, "I'm the designated decoy."

From the State where drinking and driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Texas.Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.The more...

This guy walks into a small town bar and orders a drink from the bartender.
The bartender delivers his drink and shouts out to the bar patrons ''46!!'' Everyone starts to laugh- Again he shouts out ''39!!'' Now the patrons are getting even louder in laughing- Lastly, he shouts ''14!!'' Now, people are wiping tears from their eyes from all the laughing.
The visitor is curious, so he asks the bartender ''What is going on?''
The bartender says ''This is a small town, with small impressionable children, and so we had decided to put numbers to our naughty jokes rather than tell them in full''
The visitor is astounded ''Let me try!!'' he says- So he shouts ''46!!'' Nothing happens ''39!!'' Still nothing. ''14!!'' and yet still not a sound from the patrons.
The visitor says to the bartender ''I don't understand. I used exactly the same numbers you did and got a completely opposite response.
The bartender replied, ''Well, some folks can tell a joke... and some folks more...