Nursing Jokes / Recent Jokes

With the average cost for a nursing home reaching over $300. 00 per day, there is a better way to spend our savings, when we get old and feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn for a combined long term stay discount and a senior discount. It comes to only $90. 00 per night. That leaves $210. 00 a day for: Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. They treat you like a customer, not a patient and $5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. There is city Bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And - you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix more...

There was a gentleman living in a small village who unfortunately had
a stomach disorder that required him to drink the milk of a nursing mother.
Well there weren't too many women in the village nursing babies and even fewer
who would agree to allow a grown man to suck on their breast. But lo and
behold, the poor man finally found a rather buxom young girl who recently had
given birth who was willing to help him out -- for a price. The man was
desparate because his condition was growing worse, so he agreed to pay the
woman the amount of money she demanded. After all, the woman had a new born
baby to care for and the father had abandoned them to their fate.
The first day was a bit awkward as the man showed up and, with a bit
of anxiety and embarrassment, leaned over and began to suck on the woman's
breast. Well weeks went by and the awkwardness began to fade.

One day, the woman realized that the man's sucking was more...

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence. "Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross the center line back there." "Can I see your registration please?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time, he's stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel more...

A rabbi was called to a Miami Beach Nursing Home to perform a wedding.An anxious old man met him at the door. The rabbi sat down to counsel the old man and asked several questions. "Do you love her?"The old man replied, "I guess.""Is she a good Jewish woman?""I don't know for sure," the old man answered."Does she have lots of money?" asked the rabbi."I doubt it.""Then why are you marrying her?" the rabbi asked."She can drive at night," the old man said

Peggy was visiting her father at the nursing home. "How is everything, Dad," she asks.
"Everything's fine," he replies. "I've been sleeping very well the past few weeks."
"That's good news, Dad. Have they been giving you something to help you sleep?" Peggy asks.
"Yes," he replies. "Every night the nurse gives me a glass of warm milk and Viagra."
"Viagra? Why are they giving you Viagra?" asks Peggy.
"I don't know," replies her father.
Peggy finds a nurse and asks to know more about their sleeping aids.
"We give him warm milk which helps him sleep," the nurse says.
"But why the Viagra?" Peggy asks.
"Oh, that just keeps him from rolling out of the bed," explains the nurse.

One day a family took their elderly, frail father to a nursing home, with the hopes that he would be well cared for.
The next day, the nurses fed and bathed him and sat him in a chair by the window, overlooking the beautiful flower garden. Everything seemed fine until a short time later when he began to fall over sideways in the chair.
Seeing this, two nurses immediately rushed over to him and straightened him up in the chair. Shortly thereafter, he began to tilt to the other side. Once more, the nurses rushed over and straightened him up. This routine went on for the entire morning.
Later in the day, his family arrived to see how he was adjusting to his new environment. "So Dad, how are things going here? Are they treating you well?" they asked him.
"It is pretty nice," he replied, "but they won't let you fart!"