Nursing Jokes / Recent Jokes

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman who was suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home. At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he starting leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair. About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?" "It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me fart!"

A man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his father down on a sofa in the main hallway and went to talk with the administrators. The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left.
A doctor came by and said, "Let me help you." The Doctor piled several pillows on the left side of the old an so he would stay upright. The old man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright. The old man started to lean forward.
Then a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him. About this time, the son returned, "Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place?"
The old man replied, "I guess it's ok, but they won't let me fart."

An old man and an old woman used to sit in the nursing home all day watching television together. The old woman would sit there holding the old man's member. The nursing staff tried to get them to stop it but couldn't and decided to leave them alone. Since they weren't hurting anyone, they just put a sheet over the couples lap and kind of ignored it. But one day the old man didn't show up and when the old woman saw him in the dining hall later that evening she asked, "Where were you today?" "I watched TV with Martha today" he said quite matter of factly. With slight cynicism in her voice, the old woman said, "What's she got that I don't have." The old man paused and said, "Parkinsons."

Top Ten Most Commonly Used Nursing Phrases
10. "No, really, I don't mind changing the TV channel for you. again."

9. "I'm sorry, it's not THAT kind of Tylenol."
8. "You won't feel a thing."
7. "Because your doctor said so."
6. "This won't hurt a bit."
5. "I swear, if that patient rings the call bell one more time."
4. "No, I will NOT give you a sponge bath (to patients perfectly able to do for themselves)!"
3. "Your gonna feel a little stick."
2. "How can I help you?" (no less than a MILLION times a shift!)
1. "Doctor, I'm sorry to wake you, but." (this one is okay by us)

Top Ten Reasons To Work An Overtime Shift On The Weekend
10. Think of all the weight you'll lose from not getting to eat because of short staffing.
9. Think of the closeness you'll develop with you're co-workers after being knee-deep in Code 10's/Blues and Code "Browns".
8. Everyone is so frazzled, so next to them you look fabulous!
7. Think of what a challenge it will be to your nursing skills to run a Code without a Crash Cart because they are all down in Central being replaced.
6. The joy of having the previous shift's charge nurse tell you, " I don't understand why no one would return my calls to work today/tonight. Oh, and by the way, you are short two nurses and a CNA for this shift with a full house of patients sick as dog dirt."
5. Because you're a new grad and you want to be a "TEAM PLAYER" like your head nurse told you to be. (That and you have "sucker" stamped on your forehead!)
4. When you go home more...

A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the ultra sticky kind. Written in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon! Luv, from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week!"

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman who was suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home.At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up.A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right.Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side.Then he starting leaning forward.This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair. About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?""It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me fart!"