Nursing Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"He said, "I heard the nurse say,' It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'""She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?""She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"
With the average cost for a Nursing Home per day reaching $188. 00, there is a better way when we get old & feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn for a combined long term stay discount and senior discount of $49. 23 per night. That leaves $138. 77 a day for:
1. Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service.
2. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.
3. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. $5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. There is a city Bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The Handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp). To meet other nice people, call a Church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the Airport shuttle Bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While more...
Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents how to care for their infants. As I was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple turned to me and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?" "Yes," I replied, "That is a good analogy." "I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said anxiously. "Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?"
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A rabbi was called to a Miami Beach Nursing Home to perform a wedding.
An anxious old man met him at the door. The rabbi sat down to counsel the old man and asked several questions. "Do you love her?"
The old man replied, "I guess."
"Is she a good Jewish woman?"
"I don't know for sure," the old man answered.
"Does she have lots of money?" asked the rabbi.
"I doubt it."
"Then why are you marrying her?" the rabbi asked.
"She can drive at night," the old man said
Patient: "Nurse, I just swallowed my pillow!"Nurse: "How do you feel?"
Patient: "A little down in the mouth"
It's hard to live with a nurse because...1) When you forget to flush the toilet, you get a complete analysis with a plan on how to correct any noted problems.2) Thanksgiving dinner comes in pre-cut small pieces because she doesn't want to have to perform the Heimlich maneuver and be reminded of work on the only holiday she's had off in years.3) You've been awakened from a dead sleep in the middle of the night to find her shaking you because your breathing patterns were a little too close to a Cheyne-Stokes rhythm.