Nick Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. In kindergarten your idea of a good friend was the person who let you have the red crayon when all that was left was the ugly black one.
2. In first grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went to the bathroom with you and held your hand as you walked through the scary halls.
3. In second grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you stand up to the class bully.
4. In third grade your idea of a good friend was the person who shared their lunch with you when you forgot yours on the bus.
5. In fourth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who was willing to switch square dancing partners in gym so you wouldn't have to be stuck do-si-do-ing with Nasty Nicky or Smelly Susan.
6. In fifth grade your idea of a friend was the person who saved a seat on the back of the bus for you.
7. In sixth grade your idea of a friend was the person who went up to Nick or Susan, your new crush, and asked them to dance with you, so that more...

13> Your co-workers are obliviously to the fact that your' DayTimer' is really a leather-bound TV Guide.

12> You're still trying to find a publisher for your book' C-Span for Dummies.'

11> You have DSS, DVD, HBO, MTV, HDTV, MSNBC -- and HSA (Huge Sofa Ass).

10> To reduce' downtime' -- you got an *elective* colostomy.

9> Last night you dreamt Sally Struthers begged you to send money to buy rice for poor, starving Ally McBeal.

8> Your name: Nick Nickelodeon's new channel: Nick for Nick

7> You write daily to the producers of' Bassmasters' to urge them come out with movie version.

6> Your last comment to your most recent ex-wife:' Shhhhhhh! T.J. Hooker's on.'

5> You effortlessly crack walnuts with your clicker thumb.

4> Forget the dish, *you* have your own friggin' satellite.

3> As surgeons painstakingly remove the petrified Cheetos embedded in your gargantuan ass cheeks, you more...

Bud invited his pal Lou - who came from Dallas - to go watch his home team playing a
great match. Being a avid baseball lover, Lou wanted to know the names of the players
of the home team. Unfortunately, Bud only knew their nick names only. So here goes the
conversation took place between the two friends.
Lou: I love baseball. When we get to St. Louis, will you tell me the guys' name on the
team so when I go to see them in that St. Louis ball park I'll be able to know those
fellows?
Bud: All right. but you know, strange as it may seems, they give ball players nowadays
very peculiar names, nick names, like "Dizzy Dean." Now on the St. Louis team we
have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --
Lou: That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the
St. Louis team.
Bud: I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --
Lou: You more...

Down in the workshop all the elves were makin' toys,
For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys.
When the boss busted in, nearly scared' em half to death,
Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath.

From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo,
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo.
And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye,
"Merry Christmas to all- now you're all gonna DIE!"

The night Santa when crazy,
The night St. Nick went insane!
Realized he'd been getting' a raw deal,
Something finally must have snapped in his brain.

Well, the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it.
Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet.
And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage,
And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage.
He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger,
And he slashed up Dasher just like more...

Knock Knock
Who's there!
Nick!
Nick who?
Nick R Elastic!Knock Knock
Who's there!
Nick!
Nick who?
Nickle and dime you to death!

A festive holiday poem by Hugh Drumm & Vincent Ambrose

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).

When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!

I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.

When the image resolved, so bright and so more...

James and Nick die in a hunting accident. Nick goes to heaven and James goes to hell. One day Nick looks down at James in hell. James has a beer in his hand and a blonde on his lap.
Nick gets pissed off so he goes to God and says, "What is this s#it? I think I want to go to hell! Just look at my friend down there."
God says "Look closer. The beer has a hole in the bottom, and the blonde doesn't."