Lena Jokes / Recent Jokes

Heard on Garrison Keillor's "Prairie Home Companion" radio show:
Ole was on his death bed. His pastor had been summoned and, from all appearances, the end was imminent. As he lay there gasping for breath, a waft of an odor drifted into the room and Ole sniffed.
He realized that he was smelling his favorite of all things, Lena's chocolate marshmallow brownies.
With great effort, the old may got out of bed and, with a huge effort, made his way down the stairs and into the kitchen, following the delicious smell of the brownies. He spied them in the open window, cooling. He staggered over and took one, savoring the aroma, and took a big bite out of it.
At that moment, Lena walked into the kitchen and said, "Ole! You should be ashamed of yourself! I baked those for after the funeral!"

As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Lena
shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where
before long, she became a successful performer in show business.
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night
went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In
the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her
work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know
what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she
did on stage.
She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she
went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips.
Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged
ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the
other: "Will you more...

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support." "Vell, dat`s fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I`ll try to chip in a few bucks myself."

Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee, listening to the weather report coming over the radio."There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said. "You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."Ole says "Jeez, okay," and gets up from his coffee. The next day theyre sitting down with their morning cups of coffee and the weather forecast declares "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets."Again, Ole says "Jeez, okay," and gets up from his coffee. Two days later, again theyre sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast says, "There will be 6 to 9 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the - "Just then the power goes out and Ole doesnt get the rest of more...

After doing the laundry, Lena folded Ole's underwear and put them in his dresser.
The following morning, Ole took out a pair. Shaking the powder out, he grumbled, "Doggone it, Lena, I wish you wouldn't put so much powder in my underwear."
Grinning sheepishly, Lena replied, "Oh, Ole, that's not powder... it's Miracle-Gro!"

Tickle Me Elmo:
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8: 00 AM.
The next day at 8: 45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little more...

Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said."You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Ole said, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee. The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee. The weather forecast was, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Again Ole replied, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee. Two days later, again theyre sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and the power went out and Ole didnt get the rest of the instructions. more...